Dan Kuiper
  • Home
    • Blog/Vlog
    • Memes to Share
    • Contact
  • About Dan
    • Interviews
    • Video Favorites
    • Kuiper's Corner
  • Resources
  • Speaking
    • Finding Father's Love Events
    • Feedback
    • Topics
    • Speaker Request Form
    • Schedule
  • Coaching
  • Donate

Dads who leave

3/13/2014

0 Comments

 
Picture
(Excerpt from my book, When Father is a Bad Word ) 

Without minimizing the pain a child experiences as the result of a father’s death, kids whose fathers walk out on their families often suffer greater emotional distress than kids whose fathers die. Children whose fathers desert the family must live every day with the knowledge that their dads have chosen to leave them. 

It is not an overstatement to say that this thought has the potential to infiltrate every relationship the child will ever have. It is especially poisonous—and sometimes fatal—to their relationship with their Heavenly Father.

Another factor that rachets up the emotional distress level in the lives of children whose fathers have bailed on their families is that it is significantly more difficult for those left behind to achieve closure. There is a finality in death that cannot be realized in the case of desertion. I witnessed this in living color in the life of my friend, Don.

Don was wounded enough when his father, without warning and after 30 years of marriage to his mother, up and left the family. But Don’s dad didn’t leave completely. He stayed within firing range. Months after the divorce he continued to circle around the family taking pot shots at his ex-wife and kids. The bullets of blame found their mark. 

Don tried to fend off the barrage, but his father just kept firing. Don’s dad  would call him at all hours of the day or drop in on him at work to complain about how hard his life was, how Don’s mother was nothing but a witch with a capital “B”, and how Don never appreciated all that he did for him and the family.

His father would then lay low for awhile giving Don the false hope that the battle was over. But just when Don’s wounds began to scab over his father would come out of the brush and rip them off with a new assault of accusations.

For a long time Don just kept his mouth shut and suppressed the hurt, trying to convince himself that even a shaming relationship with his father was better than none at all. But one day he had simply had enough. After being interrupted at work for the umpteenth time by a phone call from his father with allegations so familiar he knew them better than the Pledge of Allegiance, Don was pushed beyond his breaking point. In exasperation he countered with a response that resonates well with anyone who has been engaged in a similar manner with an estranged father.

When his father paused briefly to reload Don blurted, “You know something, Dad? Sometimes I wish you were dead. Then I could be done with you.”

Don’s response to his father provided me with clarity concerning a comment I heard from a woman in a support group I once facilitated. She said, “Divorce is like a death with no body.” 

There is a closure that comes from death that cannot be attained in the case of divorce or desertion. Grieving the loss of a father who died is different than grieving the loss of a father who left by choice, especially when he continually pops up, doing and saying stupid and hurtful things. Whether a father is taken away or walks away, a dad’s abandonment needs to be grieved. 


0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Free eBook!

    Join My Mailing List
    For Email Marketing you can trust.
    Picture
    Sign up above to receive my blog posts via email and get a free copy of my ebook, 5 Steps Toward Trusting God.
    Privacy Guarantee: Your email will not be shared with anyone else.
    Picture

    Archives

    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    December 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    June 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013

    Categories

    All
    12-step Group
    12-step Groups
    12 Steps
    A.A.
    Abandonment
    Abuse
    Acceptance
    Addiction
    Adversity
    Affirmation
    Alcoholics Anonymous
    Alcoholism
    Anger
    Approval
    Baggage
    Behavior
    Bible
    Bitterness
    Blessing
    Bondage
    Boundaries
    Brokenness
    Burdens
    Busyness
    Celebration
    Change
    Childhood
    Children
    Choices
    Christian
    Christianity
    Christians
    Christmas
    Church
    Codependence
    Commitment
    Compassion
    Confession
    Confidence
    Control
    Courage
    Criticism
    Dad
    Death
    Debt
    Dependence
    Depression
    Direction
    Discouragement
    Discrimination
    Divorce
    Drugs
    Dysfunction
    Emotions
    Encouragement
    Epitaph
    Eternal Life
    Eternity
    Failure
    Faith
    Faithfulness
    Family
    Father
    Fatherlessness
    Fathers
    Father's Love
    Father Wound
    Father Wounds
    Fear
    Feelings
    Fishers Of Men
    Forgiveness
    Freedom
    Friend
    Friends
    Frustration
    Gang
    Goals
    God
    God's Love
    God's Plan
    Good Works
    Grace
    Gratefulness
    Grief
    Guilt
    Happiness
    Healing
    Heavenly Father
    Honesty
    Hope
    Hopeless
    Hopelessness
    Humility
    Hypocrite
    Inspirational
    Integrity
    Intimacy
    Jesus
    Joy
    Knowledge
    Light
    Listening
    Loss
    Love
    Marriage
    Miscarriage
    Mission
    Mission Statement
    Motivation
    Overcome
    Parenting
    Past
    Peace
    Perfectionism
    Personality
    Politics
    Prayer
    Pretending
    Prevention
    Pride
    Prison
    Problems
    Protect
    Purpose
    Recovery
    Redwoods
    Relapse
    Relationship
    Relationships
    Responsibility
    Rest
    Restore
    Role Model
    Safe
    Safety
    Savior
    Security
    Self-care
    Self-confidence
    Self-esteem
    Self-help
    Self-worth
    Serenity
    Sex
    Sexual Abuse
    Shame
    Sin
    Sobriety
    Solitude
    Sorrow
    Spirituality
    Strength
    Strengths
    Stress
    Submission
    Substance Abuse
    Success
    Suffering
    Support
    Surrender
    Tears
    Teen Pregnancy
    Thanksgiving
    Tinnitus
    Touch
    Transformation
    Trauma
    Trials
    Trust
    Truth
    Value
    Willpower
    Words
    Worry

    Helpful Sites

    National Center For 
    Fathering


    Focus on the Family

    The Crucible Project

    FamilyLife

    Minirth Clinic 

    New Leaf Resources

    Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend 

    Find a Christian Counselor 

    FamilyFire

    Minirth Clinic 

    New Leaf Resources

    Find a Christian Counselor 

    Center for Marriage and Family Therapy

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
Photos used under Creative Commons from MizGingerSnaps, uzi978, vhines200, Daquella manera, seanmcgrath, Tony Webster, Thragor, maiallen, AllieKF, aaron_anderer, theilr, Lordcolus, bobchin1941, Disney | ABC Television Group, AK Rockefeller, wbaiv, dan taylor, SuperFantastic, Neal., Pink Sherbet Photography, denise carbonell, psflannery, DonkeyHotey, Nick.Baumgartner91, Hello Turkey Toe, faceleg, keepitsurreal, eek the cat, simpleinsomnia, sun dazed, oranges.lemons, John Englart (Takver), tlindenbaum, garryknight, Patrick Hoesly, Ricymar Photography (Thanks to all the fans!!!!), Furryscaly, bradleypjohnson, woodleywonderworks, gwegner.de, KristinNador, steve p2008, DeeAshley