​(excerpts from my book, When Father is a Bad Word)

Father. For some, that is a word that conjures up feelings of warmth, security, and pride. For all too many others it is a word that triggers shame, pain, and anger.

The relationship we have with our fathers has a profound effect on every human relationship we have on this earth. And it plays a crucial role in shaping the relationship we have with God.
           
I have known first-hand the pain inherent of growing up with an alcoholic father. Through the years I have discovered how my dad’s drinking not only drove a wedge between the two of us, it also became a barrier between me and God.

I had unwittingly transferred characteristics of my earthly father to my Heavenly Father. My journey toward spiritual health has led me to a profoundly more accurate understanding of who my Heavenly Father really is. The journey has also led me to cross paths with countless people who are dealing with (or not dealing with as the case may be) the same dilemma: adults, teens, and children whose concept of their Heavenly Father has been tainted by relationships with their earthly fathers that were far from ideal. 

The truth of the matter is this: There is a direct parallel between how we experience our fathers and how we experience our God. The toxins from a strained or non-existent father-child relationship can be lethal to our relationship with God. If our home life was poisoned by our father’s anger or abuse, or perhaps his ambivalence or absence, there is a strong likelihood our spiritual life will be tainted as we experience our Heavenly Father in much the same way.

The misconceptions of who God really is are devastating. They have led some to reject God altogether. Even the thought of entering a relationship with a Heavenly Father makes us sick to our stomach. We convince ourselves that it’s not worth the risk; that if we just walk away we will be better off.

But the sad reality is when we walk away from our Heavenly Father we are turning our backs on the only One who can provide healing for our father wounds. He is a Father we can trust. A Father who will never leave us. A Father who will love us no matter what. A Father who protects us and wants us to prosper. A Father who longs to hold us. A Father who encourages His kids. A Father who genuinely wants to spend time with us, who is pleased with us. A Father who suffers with us. A Father who gives us hope and a future.
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Father wounds can be healed when we place ourselves in the arms of our Heavenly Father.

In the spirit of thanksgiving, I would like to offer my list of ten (very) random things I am thankful for, in no particular order.

1. Coffee. One of God's greatest ideas was the Keurig. Every morning I can almost instantly get the caffeine I need to think logically, be kind to others, and go about the business of the day. God truly knows my need.

2. Snow. Yeah, I know. I'm in a minority here. Can you tell I work from home? Even though I live in the snow belt of central Indiana where we often get several inches of snow at a time, I am jealous of those living in Rockford, New York who get several feet. I figure as long as it's going to be cold anyway, we may as well have snow. Besides, it covers up the leaves I didn't get around to raking up.

3. Music. With two notable exceptions, I love all kinds of music. (No offense to the millions who don't agree, but I am convinced that the playlist in hell will alternate between rap and country.) God has provided music to fit any mood I'm in. When I'm in worship mode I listen to the likes of  Chris Tomlin or Kari Jobe. To relive the good feelings of my youth I crank up Grand Funk Railroad or Three Dog Night. When my wife hears me listening to smooth jazz or Barry White, well, I won't go into that. Our children read my blog.

4. Grandchildren. I was told by friends that grandchildren would change my life in inexplicable ways. They were right. Our grandkids raise my joy meter to overflowing. It's like having children without all the responsibility. I can spoil them, let them skip naps, give them copious amounts of sugar-laden candy, then send them home with their parents.   

5. Ice cubes. Years ago, I went on a number of short-term mission trips. Ever since, when I pray, I often thank God for ice cubes. In the third-world countries I visited, water was often in short supply. As a result, ice cubes were considered a luxury. As someone who often asks for extra ice in his beverages, I found drinking room temperature Pepsi on these trips to be a great personal sacrifice. The ice dispenser in my fridge makes me feel very blessed, indeed.

6. Solitude. As much as my being in the public eye would suggest that I am an extrovert, I am an introvert at heart. I need my alone time. I treasure those occasions when I can get away alone with God for a couple days and simply wallow in His love and grace. I'm thankful that He enjoys those times, too.

7. The Crucible Project. I have been a part of this men's ministry now for seven years. I have never in my life encountered a community of grace like I have experienced on Crucible weekends. That is a rather bold statement considering I not only grew up in the church, but was a pastor for 11 years. I am eternally grateful for my Crucible community; the one place where I am free to be me, without fear of judgment, criticism, or not measuring up. Many have yet to experience such a gift.

8. Shoes. As an active (okay, hyper) child, there weren't many things more insufferable than having to sit through a church service with a missionary as a guest speaker. There was something about a missionary with a microphone that made me want Jesus to return--immediately. But I will never forget hearing as a young teen a missionary to the Philippines share that every morning, he would watch as barefoot young children would sift through the trash at the garbage dump for food to get them through the day. That image, forever burned in my memory, prompts me to thank God not only for food, but for footwear.  

9. Laughter. I am convinced that people need to laugh more. We are way too serious, way too much of the time. Christians especially need more laughter in their lives. In my opinion, there aren't many things more damaging to the cause of Christ than joyless Christians. The Bible tells us that the joy of the Lord is supposed to be our strength! I am thankful for my dad's keen sense of humor and that he taught me the importance of not always taking life so seriously. (It is with this in mind that in addition to my Dan Kuiper, Author and Speaker Facebook page I have a page called Kuiper's Corner--a collection of humorous images, quotes, and memes.)

10. God's faithfulness. Of all the things I have in my life to be grateful for, I am most appreciative of God's faithfulness. He is always there for me. He can be trusted implicitly. He has yet to break a promise He's made to me. He is faithful to me even when I am not always faithful to Him. What a blessing to call Him my Father.

In the book of James we read that Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father. Get in the habit of thanking God specifically for His thoughtful and unique gifts to you. Not just on Thanksgiving Day, but every day.

Father. For some that is a word that conjures up feelings of warmth, security, and pride. For all too many others it is a word that triggers pain, anger, and shame.

It is not an overstatement to say that the relationship we have or had with our fathers has a profound effect on every relationship we will ever have. And our father-child relationship plays a crucial role in shaping the relationship we have with God.

Whether we realize it or not, there are parallels between our "dad experience" and our "God experience." If we have or had a loving, encouraging relationship with our earthly father it is common to view our Heavenly Father much the same way.

Conversely, it is true that:

• Children who grew up with angry, intolerant fathers are more inclined to live in fear of God.
• Children whose dads abandoned them (physically or emotionally) often keep God at arm's length for fear that one day He may walk, too.
• Children of workaholic dads who wonder how much they really matter to him are more likely to grow up believing that they aren't a top priority to God, either.
• Children of sexually abusive fathers often want nothing to do God, just because He is a "father ".

The unfortunate consequence of seeing God through the lens of our dad is that we distance ourselves from the only One who can provide the love, acceptance, and healing we desperately need.

Whether we know it or not, we have a Father who thinks the world of us.

     ...Who delights in spending time with us.

     ...Who smiles at the thought of us

     ...Who picks us up when we fall down.

     ...Who forgives us when we mess up.

     ...Who wouldn't think of leaving us.

     ...Who offers us the very things we're looking for.

Some of us know the pain of broken trust as a result of fathers not living up to their promises. But God is a Father who always keeps His word. He hasn't broken a promise yet. One of His many promises to us, found in Psalm 27:10, is this: Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.

If you are feeling distant from God, it's not because He moved. He is at your side, at this very moment, holding you close. His deepest desire is to have a close, intimate relationship with you. Allow yourself to open up to Him. Healing for father wounds can only be found in one place--in the arms of the Heavenly Father.

When it  comes to holding us back from living the life our Heavenly Father wants us to have--a life of freedom, peace, and unmitigated joy--there aren't many shackles stronger than an unforgiving spirit.

God makes a straightforward promise to us in I John 1:9: If we confess our sins He will forgive us.  He will wipe our indiscretions away, then scrub us clean from the stains our sins often leave behind. What a liberating thought: If we come clean, we will be clean.

But there's a catch. God's stipulation is that His children not just experience His forgiveness, but that we extend it. In fact, His forgiving us is dependent on our forgiving others (Matt. 6:15).

Whoa. God can't mean that, can He? We're supposed to forgive parents who have abused us? God wants us to forgive ex-spouses who have betrayed us? He is asking us to forgive people who have hurt us, destroyed our reputation, and who have showed zero remorse and would do it all over again if given the chance?

The answer is yes.

When it comes to experiencing all that our Heavenly Father has to offer us, we must be on both the receiving and giving ends of forgiveness. Offering forgiveness to others, no matter how gut-wrenching their infraction, is not optional. Forgiveness is not always easy. It is not always fair. But it never optional.

The weight of unforgiveness can be paralyzing. If left unresolved, the offenses of others can dominate our thoughts, destroy our bodies, and deplete our souls. We must offer forgiveness not because the offending party deserves it. We must offer forgiveness because we deserve it. 
 
Leonardo daVinvi’s masterpiece, the Last Supper, is one of his most memorable works. The story is told that there was a bit of a delay in completion of that painting. It seems that when daVinci was putting the finishing touches on his project he had a violent disagreement with a man. Leonardo became so incensed that he lashed out at the man, threatening to harm him.

After the incident, still seething, da Vinci went back to his place to continue work on painting. He was up to the point of painting face of Jesus. But he found that he couldn’t do it. There was too much evil stirring inside him. He was angry. He was consumed by thoughts of vengeance.

Robbed of inner peace, daVinci knew what he had to do. He put down his brushes, left his unfinished painting, and went looking for the man he fought with. When he found him he asked his forgiveness. Only when he was freed from the bonds of unforgiveness could daVinci return to his studio and paint the face of the Savior who had forgiven him.
 
Forgiving others does not mean that we are absolving them from their actions. It does not mean we are giving them a pass. It does not always mean that relationships are fully restored. It means that we are so deeply grateful for the way that our God has treated us despite our unworthiness that we long to treat others the same way.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.--​Eph. 4:31-32.

(Excerpt from my book, When Father is a Bad Word)

The story is told about Frank Szymanski, a center for the Notre Dame football team, who in the 1940s was called as a witness in a civil suit in South Bend. “Are you on the Notre Dame football team this year?” the judge asked.

Szymanski replied, “Yes, your Honor.”

The judge asked, “What position?”

“Center, your honor,” came the response.

“How good a center?” asked the judge.

Szymanski squirmed in his seat, then said firmly, “I am the best center Notre Dame ever had.”

Coach Frank Leahy, who was in courtroom, was surprised by the answer of the usually modest, unassuming Szymanski. When the proceedings were over, the coach took Szymanski aside and asked why he made such a statement.

Szymanski blushed and said, “I hated to do it, Coach, but, after all, I was under oath.”

As children adopted by the Heavenly Father, we must be unabashedly confident in knowing who we are.

In His love letter to the world God brags about us. He calls us beloved. Says we’re His lambs. He makes it clear that He delights in being our Daddy; that He treasures spending time with us. He invites us to share with Him our dreams and desires, our problems and pain. He cares so much about us that He offers us love without condition and grace without exception. The Creator of the Universe is pleased to call you and me His own. 

That is the truth and nothing but the truth. How would our lives be different if we walked boldly in that truth? 

I was cradling my beautiful new grandson soon after his arrival. As I held him close and looked at that sweet face I was overflowing with love for him; a love so deep that I realized that there was nothing I wouldn't do for him.

What exactly did he do to earn such love? Absolutely nothing. At that point in his young life, pretty much all he could do was eat, sleep, and poop. But I don't love him because of anything he does. I love him because of who he is. He's my grandson. 

In that tender moment I came to understand that my Heavenly Father loves me much the same way. He doesn't love me because of the things I do. He loves me because of who I am. I'm His child. Made in His image. Bought with a very high price.

Our Heavenly Father loves His kids without condition and without exception. He doesn't withhold His love until we've proven ourselves lovable. He loves us even when we smell and fuss and need to be changed. He overflows with love for us. He loves us so much that there is nothing He wouldn't do for us.

When I need to be reassured, when I need to feel secure, when I need to be reminded that I have value and am deeply loved, I know what I have to do. I must place myself in my Father's arms. ​

(excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word)

Sometimes dads abandon their kids. Some of them are not there, physically or emotionally, to provide protection for their children. But our Heavenly Father is there. He offers us the security of knowing that He is always aware of our surroundings and offers us refuge under His loving wings. Even when floods and fires come—and they will come—we have a Father who is so committed to our safety that He secured it with the blood of His Son, Jesus. God, our Protector, our Refuge, our Shield, our Rock, our Strength, our Hiding Place, our Shepherd offers us what no other father can: eternal security.
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The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” (Psalm 91:14-16, NLT)
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Excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word​

I am no medical expert. It has come in very handy that I married a registered nurse. In our home Jan has had to deal with a variety of maladies, illnesses, and injuries, not to mention the subsequent crying, screaming, and demands to “kiss it and make it better” to which she usually responds, “Quit whining. You’re worse than the kids.”

But watching how she operates (no pun intended) in a situation where there is blood involved I have learned much. For instance, I have learned that there are three things that make open wounds dangerous. If cuts and gashes are not closed in time the results can be

1. infection,
2. contamination, and/or
3. the wounds becoming larger.

Open father wounds are dangerous for the same reasons. When we don’t experience “closure” to issues we have or had with our dads we can easily become “infected” with a host of harmful invaders—anger, depression, a sense of worthlessness, and addictive behaviors, just to name a few.

An interesting side note: Anyone with bad handwriting and an “M.D.” behind their name will tell you that more often than not it is infection that causes more long-term damage than the wound itself. Even the six-CD “How to Become a Professional Therapist” set sold on TV teaches that what we think is "the problem” is hardly ever "the problem.”

Unresolved issues with our dads can also lead to the contamination of our relationships with others. As a result of unhealthy interactions with our fathers, we may find it difficult, perhaps even impossible, to become truly intimate with anyone. We may be afraid of rejection. We may fear being abandoned. We may tend to expect the worst in most situations. We may keep people at arm’s length because of our inability to trust. We may carry inside us anger that erupts at the slightest provocation.

Take the issue of road rage for example. A driver takes offense at another driver resulting in screaming and hollering and cursing, punctuated by corresponding hand gestures. This behavior often results in altercations, assaults, and accidents.

So does this avalanche of anger really have to do with a poor schmuck in a Honda Civic who failed to turn on his blinker? Is it possible there is a more deserving target? Road rage could very well have more to do with care-less fathers than with careless drivers.  

In addition to infecting us and contaminating others when we don’t seek to close our father wounds quickly there is a great risk of the wounds becoming larger, causing an even greater threat to our health and well being. Left unchecked, resentment and unforgiveness will continue to eat away at our insides, causing our condition to worsen.

The good news is healing can happen. No matter how deep our father wounds we can have complete hope of a full recovery. Healing is found in relationship with our Heavenly Father. It is our understanding of Him that will soothe our wounds. It is knowing His nature that will provide balm for our hurts. It is entering into an intimate relationship with Him that will allow us to experience the love and healing and grace He longs to give us.

No matter how deep our father wounds, in the care of our Heavenly Father our prognosis is excellent.