Have you ever heard someone use a phrase that immediately made you think of a song? It happened to me the other day in church.

The pastor was reading from the book of Ecclesiastes. The instant he began with the words, for everything there is a season, I began singing along with the Byrds in my head:
    
To everything, turn, turn, turn.
There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
And a time to every purpose under heaven.
A time to be born, a time to die.
A time to plant, a time to reap.
A time to kill, a time to heal.
A time to laugh, a time to weep.

Apparently the original lyrics were not written by Pete Seeger, but Solomon. And wise, old Solomon shares in Ecclesiastes 3 that there are not just times for everything, there are seasons. That suggests that whether we plant or reap or laugh or weep, it is not just for a brief moment of time, but for a season. When it comes to weeping in particular, that is important for us to remember.

Even in the Christian culture, there is a lot of misunderstanding about grieving. Perhaps one of the more common misconceptions--and one that causes undue and untold pressure on those who experience loss--is that we are to grieve for as little time as possible, then move on with our lives. Solomon debunks that bunk. He reminds us that grieving is a season of life.

In our part of the world the year is divided up into four seasons, each lasting three months. But in Solomon's neck of the woods, there were two seasons--summer and winter. So when Solomon writes about a season to weep, it was with the understanding that grief can be a very long process; it can and should take a significant amount of time.

A second misunderstanding about grief has to do with the very definition of the word. Grief is not merely "intense, mental anguish." It is the "expression of intense, mental anguish." That is an important distinction because if we are not expressing our anguish we are not grieving. For us to truly grieve, those intense and, I must add, very normal feelings need to come out.

So what do we need to do when faced with the heartache of loss in our lives? I offer two suggestions.

First, remember that grieving is a season. When we put time limits on when we should be done with grieving and  "return to normal" we are short-circuiting the process.  The truth of the matter is we will never return to "normal." Nor should we. We have lost something that was profoundly meaningful to us.

A woman once shared with me how she was crying one morning, grieving the loss of her mother, when the phone rang. The person calling could tell by her voice that something was wrong and asked her what was going on. In a moment of vulnerability, she shared that she was just missing her mom. Her "friend" responded, "Come on. That happened two weeks ago!"

Whether is was two weeks, two months, or two years, such statements are not only minimizing, they are hurtful. They are also the reason why many people grieve alone. We must grant grief the time it needs.

A second and crucial step in the grieving process is to find a safe place where you can express what you honestly feel. And be warned: gut-wrenchingly honest grief may include weeping, wailing, questioning, and cussing. If someone truly wants to be of help, they will allow us to let our anguish out no matter what form it takes.

Anger is a more common part of the grieving process than most good Christians would ever admit. It, too, must be expressed if it is a part of our anguish. It is not only okay, it is normal to hate cancer, to be furious over suicide, even to be ticked off at God for allowing death to happen.

Name your feeling. Own it. Express it. We cannot work through our feelings if deny their existence.   

We must remember that unexpressed anguish doesn't simply dissipate over time. It will come out one way or another. It may take the form of resentment or depression or isolation or cynicism. But it will come out. It is important that it come out in healthy ways that honor God. We must seek friends or a good counselor who will help us to feel what we really feel, without judgement.

Expressing intense, mental anguish is not a bad thing. In fact, it is the key to our healing. We grieve deeply when we love deeply. We become stronger through seasons of weeping when we recognize that A., they are seasons and B., they require weeping.

​"Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."--Laurence J. Peter 

Within the past few days, two of my friends, both around my age, have had their worlds turned upside down. One received a phone call that her adult son had taken his own life. The other was informed that his grown daughter had been raped by home intruders as the woman's children slept upstairs.

Some might think the appropriate Christian response for a friend's hearing this news would be compassion, sadness, and sympathy. Having been a Christian my entire life, having worked at a Christian counseling agency, having served as a pastor in the Christian church, perhaps such tragedies should readily bring to my mind and mouth hope-filled, spiritual soundbites like:

•  All things work together for good.
  
•  It's all part of God's plan.
  
•  God is good all the time. 

My initial reaction was far from "spiritual." I was angry. In fact, I'm still angry. I am angry at the results of sin. I am angry at the evil that is so prevalent in our world. I am angry that people I care about have to be subjected to such heartrending pain. And my anger can't begin to compare to the anger my friends must feel.

Anger is an unpleasant emotion. We don't like to feel it. We don't like to be around other people who feel it. Yet, it is a common, yet often overlooked component of the grieving process, whether morning the loss of a job, a marriage, an ideal, or someone we loved deeply. 

If we are truly going to help others grieve, we must allow them to feel what they feel, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us. We must help them to release and process their very natural feelings of anger.

Those of us who are Christians, though, often do our hurting friends a disservice by short-circuiting the process. Rather than acknowledging the dark cloud, we point out the silver lining. Rather than meeting people in their depth of their pain we try to pacify them with words of hope that they are not ready to hear. We can't stand to see them in the valley so we try to drag them up to the mountaintop. We quote cheery Bible verses. We tell them, "I'm praying for you." We share stories of others who had the faith to overcame similar situations.

Don't get me wrong, Bible reading, prayer, and faith can bring healing to our souls like nothing else can. But our souls must first be in a position to accept that healing.

I went to the wake of a friend who died unexpectedly while on a business trip. He was a friend of many, as evidenced by the long line of people gathered to pay their respects. When I finally reached his grieving widow, I hugged her, pulled her ear next to my mouth, and whispered words that she later told me were more comforting than anything else she had heard that day. I simply said, "This sucks." 

When weeks later she reflected on those dreadful days immediately after her husband's death, she said, "If I had heard one more person tell me about 'the peace that passes understanding' I would have screamed." She was well aware that Jesus offers such peace. And she did, in fact, experience that peace as time went on. But until she had worked through her anger, peace had no chance.

Do you truly want to help others who are going through traumatic times? Don't deny them the right to be angry. Don't try to diffuse their anger. Don't minimize it or, worse yet, tell them they shouldn't feel that way. Tap into it. Let them sob. Let them scream. Let them curse if they need to. It is only when the cloud of anger dissipates that we can see and feel the rays of peace that will bring healing to our souls. 

An all-too-common response when we are blindsided by painful circumstances is to blame God. Sometimes we point our finger at Him when things don’t go our way and demand to know why. Our prayers can become confrontational. We ask where on earth He is. We accuse Him of not listening to our pleas and, worse, not caring. We translate our having to endure hardship as God having a hard heart. We make God out to be the enemy.

How can you let him treat me like that?

How can my being abused be part of Your plan?

Why didn’t you heal her?

How am I supposed to learn how to trust when people keep letting me down?

I thought You loved me! 

When our cheeks are streaked with tears, overwhelmed by adversity, it is important to know that God, our Heavenly Father, cries right with us. He hurts when we hurt. When we are angry about divorce, deceit, abuse, or death we need to understand that God is angry about those things, too. None of those dreadful difficulties were a part of the world He created for us. His desire was for His kids to live in perfect harmony with each other and with Him. All He wanted was to walk with us, and talk with us, and tell us that we are His own. That was His plan. But sin proved to be the immutable monkey wrench; it destroyed His divine design.  It caused a chasm between us and our Creator. No one grieves more about that than God.

Sometimes an adversarial relationship with God is a result an ill-founded belief that we deserve better. We may have convinced ourselves, or have been taught to believe by feel-good philosophers or misinformed ministers, that God wants all His children to be happy. If we carry in our chest a sense of entitlement it’s easy to see God as being against us whenever we encounter unhappy experiences. Problem is–and Scripture bears it out–being happy is not God’s deepest desire for our lives. God doesn’t want us to be happy as much as He wants us to be holy.

To be holy is to be devoutly dedicated, compassionately committed to God. Our holiness is the pathway to unhindered intimacy with a holy God. He cherishes nothing more than being in close relationship with His children. But God knows us well enough to know that it is hardship, not happiness, that draws us closer to Him. It is in the most difficult times of life that our relationship with Him is solidified, that the bond between us is strengthened, that our faith in the Heavenly Father is set in stone.

Whenever we see God as the enemy and blame Him for the trials we face we create distance between us and Him. We separate ourselves from the One who can save us. Whenever we encounter adversity we must see that God is our greatest ally. Nothing or no one else can equip us with the strength, peace, encouragement, and hope that He provides. He still longs to walk with us and talk with us and tell us we are His own.

We know from Scripture that God loves everyone. But I will confess, there have been people I've met that have had me thinking to myself, "God, you've got your work cut our for you with this one."

Yet, He loves them. And, what's more, He tells me to love them. All of them. Even the ones who aren't very lovable. Even the ones who don't speak or dress or drive or think or believe or vote the way I do. Even Cub fans.

To love people as God loves them we must see them as God sees them. He looks beyond their fault and sees their need. To love others as God loves them we must look at every person we encounter from our Heavenly Father's perspective. Often, what we see is very different from what God sees.

We see an antagonist who always has to be right. God sees a person who needs to find healing from being wronged.  

We see a jokester who can never be serious. God sees a person who needs an outlet for the pain he or she is trying to hide.

We see a braggart who can't stop talking about his or her self. God sees a person who needs to know that he or she is deeply loved apart from what they've done or where they've been.

We see someone who is not only depressed but depressing. God sees a person who needs permission and a safe place to express his or her pent-up anger. 

We see a wallflower who is always compliant and who never expresses an opinion. God sees a person who needs the boldness that comes from believing that he or she, as well as their opinions, matter.

We see an high-energy, over-achieving workaholic. God sees a person who needs to understand that true significance does not come from what we do.

We see a perfectionist. God sees a person who needs to love him or her self enough to allow for mistakes. 

We see a deadbeat dad who walks away from his family responsibilities. God sees a person who needs to experience what a good Father is before he can become one.

We see a hopeless drug-addict. God sees a person who needs to believe that, for those who trust in Him, there is always hope.

We see a gang member who is filled with anger. God sees a person who needs intimacy and a sense of belonging.

We see a terrorist who is consumed by hate. God sees a person who needs to experience, at a soul level, the love of Jesus. 

We see someone with zero sense of self-worth. God sees a person who needs to know that he or she is worth dying for.

We must love others as God does. We must look beyond their fault and see their need. After all, that's how our Heavenly Father loves us.

Of all the emotions God has given humankind, the most difficult feeling for most of us to express is anger. Why is that? Why is it so toilsome to be honest about feeling a God-given emotion?

For starters, some of us question whether anger is truly "of God." Some of us have been taught by our parents, and/or the church, that expressing anger is not just wrong, it is downright sinful.

For the record, the Bible never declares that it is a sin to be angry. Ephesians 4:26, an often misinterpreted text, says, "In your anger do not sin" (NIV, emphasis mine). In other words, it's okay to be angry. It's not okay to kick the dog.

Yet, many folks--even those of us who, as a rule, have no problem expressing how we feel--keep a tight lid on our anger. No matter how intense the rage that may be burning in our gut, we swallow hard,  plaster on our fake smiles, and pretend that it is well with our soul. If anyone asks, "How are you?", we lie and say, "I'm fine." Just so we're clear, it's the lying part that's the sin.

Years ago, as a part of my training for addictions counseling, I facilitated a women's support group. I learned a lot from those ladies, not the least of which was what that word "fine" really meant. To them it was an acronym. The "I" stood for insecure, the "N" was neurotic, the "E" meant emotional. To keep my website's G-rating I can't tell you what the "F" stood for.

Whenever one of those ladies would hear someone say "I'm fine," they would smile and think to themselves, I'll be you are!

Learning how to express our anger in non-threatening, God-honoring ways, is crucial to our emotional and spiritual health. But even more, when we allow ourselves to feel what we feel, no matter how scary and uncomfortable it is, we will find that even our spiritual well-being will be enhanced. 

God desires honesty. He wants us to be truthful with what's going on inside us. He cannot heal what we will not acknowledge. 

For us to express our emotions--even negative feelings like anger--is not only healthy, it's Christ-like. In the words of pastor and author Peter Scazzaro, “To minimize or deny what we feel is a distortion of what it means to be image bearers of our personal God.  To the degree that we are unable to express our emotions, we remain impaired in our ability to love God, others, and ourselves well.”

Let go of your anger. It might be the most loving thing you could do--for yourself, for others, and for God.

(photo by Zachary Lubarski)

Perhaps the most difficult emotion for humans to express is anger. One reason for that is anger and fear are often intertwined. Children of angry, abusive parents often grow up to be adults whose fear is easily triggered when in proximity to anyone expressing anger. Since anger is scary they learn to keep it inside at all costs.

Many find the feeling of anger hard to express because of guilt that is associated with it. They may have been taught that anger is wrong. Some have been taught by their parents--as well as the church--that it is downright sinful to show anger.

Psalm 4:4 is often cited as proof that the Bible teaches that anger is sin. But to set the record straight, this often misquoted text does not say that anger is a sin. The text says, in your anger do no not sin. In other words, it is okay to show the God-given emotion of anger. It is not okay to sin when we do it. It is okay to let our anger out. It is not okay to hurt others or ourselves in the process.

When we release our anger there is potential to hurt others. Angry outbursts often wound innocent people. But keeping a tight lid on our anger is not the solution either. Keeping anger in is hurtful to ourselves. Many respected doctors are of the opinion that one of leading causes of depression, if not the leading cause, is not chemical unbalance, but unexpressed anger.

Mismanagement of anger has become epidemic in our culture as evidenced by road rage, school shootings, and domestic and child abuse. We witness daily the effects of mismanaged anger in sporting events, in politics, and on The Jerry Springer Show.

The reality is, anger is a legitimate emotion. We just need to find legitimate ways to express it. 

Both one-on-one counseling and involvement in support groups provide safe places where we can process and express anger. I have also found prayer to be therapeutic. 

I have often been angry before God. Sometimes I have been angry with God. And I have come to the conclusion that since He knows all things, certainly He is aware of every feeling I have, whether I express it or not. He simply wants me to be honest about it; to stop pretending that I'm not angry when my blood pressure and stress level indicate otherwise. I have come to discover that God can not only handle my fears, my sadness, and my insecurities, He can handle my anger. And honestly and openly expressing it before Him is often the very thing I need to do to diffuse it. 

Our Heavenly Father wants what is best for His kids. It grieves Him to see us going through life with anger and its ugly offspring, bitterness and unforgiveness, ravaging our souls. We must let Him help us to rid our lives of all that is harmful to us and others. When all the debris is cleared away, He can then fill us with His incredible, incomprehensible peace.