(excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word, by Dan Kuiper)

One day a prisoner at a penitentiary asked a Catholic nun who served as the prison chaplain to buy a Mother’s Day card for him to send to him mother. She did and, as the prisoner walked back to his cell with the card, the other prisoners asked where he got it.  Soon there was a long line of prisoners outside the nun’s office, waiting to ask her to buy a card for them to send to their moms.

The chaplain called Hallmark Cards and explained what had happened. Hallmark agreed to send three cases of discontinued Mother’s Day cards to the prison. Every card in those three boxes was mailed out of that prison with an appreciative inmate’s signature.

Noticing that Father’s Day was approaching the nun contacted Hallmark once again to ask if they would be so generous as to send some Father’s Day cards as well. Again, Hallmark shipped three cases of cards to the prison. All three boxes remain unopened. Not one prisoner thought enough of his dad to send him a card that cost him nothing.
 
The effects of father wounds are far-reaching. We often don't connect the dots that the issues we struggle with in our personal lives, in our marriages, and in our society can often be traced to strained, abusive, or non-existent relationships we have or had with our fathers.

Here are some of the more common childhood wounds that continue to fester in our adult lives if we don't get help: 
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1. Low sense of self-worth. It is very typical for children of fatherless homes, no matter what their age, to base their self-worth on the opinions of others. When a father is not involved offering support and encouragement in their kids’ lives the interpretation often is, “I must not matter.”
2. Feelings of inferiority. Children can’t help but feel lower on the totem pole than friends who have fathers who are actively involved in their lives. They often believe, most times erroneously, that is all of their friends. Therefore, no one is lower than them.
3. Taking on blame. Children cannot process data like adults. A child’s logic simply says, “Dad left. It’s my fault.”
4. Belief that you are unlovable or that something is wrong with you. This is a part of taking on blame. Children tend to personalize abandonment and reason that if only they were “better” their fathers wouldn’t have left them.
5. Lack of desire to achieve. A child can soon realize that even being perfect won’t bring their dad back so they tell themselves, “why try?” Abandoned boys especially can exhibit a lack of competitiveness and passion.
6. Little self-discipline. This is commonly referred to as “acting out.” Children release aggressive impulses to relieve emotional tension.
7. Inability to share feelings. There are three rules children impose on themselves to help them survive life in a dysfunctional environment—don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel. These rules serve to protect them from feeling pain they would much rather avoid.

Ask yourself how these childhood characteristics might continue to play out in your adult life. The truth is we don't simply outgrow these destructive traits. We must find healing from our childhood wounds or they will seep into our adult relationships. You need not let them fester. Find a counselor. A pastor. A support group. There are plenty of safe places you can go where you can learn how to talk, to trust, and to feel. Healing can be found. Find it. You owe it to the people you love. You owe it to yourself.

​(excerpts from my book, When Father is a Bad Word)

Father. For some, that is a word that conjures up feelings of warmth, security, and pride. For all too many others it is a word that triggers shame, pain, and anger.

The relationship we have with our fathers has a profound effect on every human relationship we have on this earth. And it plays a crucial role in shaping the relationship we have with God.
           
I have known first-hand the pain inherent of growing up with an alcoholic father. Through the years I have discovered how my dad’s drinking not only drove a wedge between the two of us, it also became a barrier between me and God.

I had unwittingly transferred characteristics of my earthly father to my Heavenly Father. My journey toward spiritual health has led me to a profoundly more accurate understanding of who my Heavenly Father really is. The journey has also led me to cross paths with countless people who are dealing with (or not dealing with as the case may be) the same dilemma: adults, teens, and children whose concept of their Heavenly Father has been tainted by relationships with their earthly fathers that were far from ideal. 

The truth of the matter is this: There is a direct parallel between how we experience our fathers and how we experience our God. The toxins from a strained or non-existent father-child relationship can be lethal to our relationship with God. If our home life was poisoned by our father’s anger or abuse, or perhaps his ambivalence or absence, there is a strong likelihood our spiritual life will be tainted as we experience our Heavenly Father in much the same way.

The misconceptions of who God really is are devastating. They have led some to reject God altogether. Even the thought of entering a relationship with a Heavenly Father makes us sick to our stomach. We convince ourselves that it’s not worth the risk; that if we just walk away we will be better off.

But the sad reality is when we walk away from our Heavenly Father we are turning our backs on the only One who can provide healing for our father wounds. He is a Father we can trust. A Father who will never leave us. A Father who will love us no matter what. A Father who protects us and wants us to prosper. A Father who longs to hold us. A Father who encourages His kids. A Father who genuinely wants to spend time with us, who is pleased with us. A Father who suffers with us. A Father who gives us hope and a future.
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Father wounds can be healed when we place ourselves in the arms of our Heavenly Father.

Father. For some that is a word that conjures up feelings of warmth, security, and pride. For all too many others it is a word that triggers pain, anger, and shame.

It is not an overstatement to say that the relationship we have or had with our fathers has a profound effect on every relationship we will ever have. And our father-child relationship plays a crucial role in shaping the relationship we have with God.

Whether we realize it or not, there are parallels between our "dad experience" and our "God experience." If we have or had a loving, encouraging relationship with our earthly father it is common to view our Heavenly Father much the same way.

Conversely, it is true that:

• Children who grew up with angry, intolerant fathers are more inclined to live in fear of God.
• Children whose dads abandoned them (physically or emotionally) often keep God at arm's length for fear that one day He may walk, too.
• Children of workaholic dads who wonder how much they really matter to him are more likely to grow up believing that they aren't a top priority to God, either.
• Children of sexually abusive fathers often want nothing to do God, just because He is a "father ".

The unfortunate consequence of seeing God through the lens of our dad is that we distance ourselves from the only One who can provide the love, acceptance, and healing we desperately need.

Whether we know it or not, we have a Father who thinks the world of us.

     ...Who delights in spending time with us.

     ...Who smiles at the thought of us

     ...Who picks us up when we fall down.

     ...Who forgives us when we mess up.

     ...Who wouldn't think of leaving us.

     ...Who offers us the very things we're looking for.

Some of us know the pain of broken trust as a result of fathers not living up to their promises. But God is a Father who always keeps His word. He hasn't broken a promise yet. One of His many promises to us, found in Psalm 27:10, is this: Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.

If you are feeling distant from God, it's not because He moved. He is at your side, at this very moment, holding you close. His deepest desire is to have a close, intimate relationship with you. Allow yourself to open up to Him. Healing for father wounds can only be found in one place--in the arms of the Heavenly Father.

(excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word)

Sometimes dads abandon their kids. Some of them are not there, physically or emotionally, to provide protection for their children. But our Heavenly Father is there. He offers us the security of knowing that He is always aware of our surroundings and offers us refuge under His loving wings. Even when floods and fires come—and they will come—we have a Father who is so committed to our safety that He secured it with the blood of His Son, Jesus. God, our Protector, our Refuge, our Shield, our Rock, our Strength, our Hiding Place, our Shepherd offers us what no other father can: eternal security.
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The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” (Psalm 91:14-16, NLT)
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There is a great debate today over whether or not celebrities are role models to children. A number of professional athletes and entertainers, usually after some personal transgression has been made public, have stated that even though they are looked up to by the younger generation, they should never be labeled as role models to children.

The jury is still out as to whether or not Ray Rice or Beyonce or Chris Brown are to be seen as role models to our kids. But there is no question that anyone who is a parent is--for good or bad--a role model. 

Our kids are watching us. They're listening to us. And they're learning from us what it means to be a man or woman. What it means to be a Christian. What it means to be a good parent. 

Since the publication of my book, When Father is a Bad Word, I have heard from people all around the world whose mothers and fathers have taught them some rather troubling things. The example set by their parents has taught more adults that we would like to believe that:

• Parents lie.
  
• Parents cheat.
  
• Parents put work and pleasure before family.
  
• Parents expect perfection.
  
• Parents can't be trusted. 
  
• Parents are hateful.
  
• Parents leave when things get rough.
  

  
Author Steve Farrar, the Founder and Chairman of Men's Leadership Ministries, shares a story that speaks of the importance of parents setting a good example to their kids. His family moved to a new town when he was sophomore in high school. 

Steve knew that one of the best ways to make new friends was to go out for a sport. He really wanted to go out for basketball but realized he couldn’t. He had done something very foolish. Because he had goofed around in class he had gotten a D on his report card. His dad’s rule for the three boys in their family was clear: You bring home anything lower than a C, you don’t play sports.

But one day in PE class, the varsity basketball coach saw Steve shooting hoops. He was impressed enough to approach Steve and invite to try out for the varsity team. Steve sheepishly told him he couldn’t because of his report card. The coach was quick to point out that according to school rules he was still eligible to play if he had just one D.

Steve said, “Yes, sir, I realize that, but you have to understand that my dad has his own eligibility rules.”

The coach flippantly said, “What’s your phone number?  I’m going to call your dad.”

Steve said, “I’ll give you the phone number, but it will be a waste of your time.”

The coach soon found that to be true. Steve’s dad pointedly told the coach that it was his job as a father to teach his sons how to be responsible and that if Steve really wanted to play basketball next season he knew what he needed to do. 

The coach kept pushing. But Steve's father stood firm.

The next morning, the coach came up to Steve in the locker room and said, “I talked to your dad yesterday afternoon and he wouldn’t budge.  I explained the school eligibility rules, but he wouldn’t change his mind.  I don’t have very much respect for your father.”

Steve was stunned. This coach doesn’t respect my father? 

Steve reflects that at the time he thought,"Even I have enough sense to know that my dad is doing the right thing.  Sure, I want to play ball, but I know that my dad is a man of his word and he is right in not letting me play. I can’t believe this coach would say such a thing.”

“Coach,” Steve said.  “I can tell you that I highly respect my dad.  And I also want you to know that I will never play basketball for you.”

And he never did. Even though he got his grades up he never went out for the varsity team. Why? Because he refused to play for man who didn’t respect his father for doing right thing.

Steve later said, “My dad was man of conviction and character. And any coach who couldn’t see that was not the kind of man I wanted to be associated with. My dad was strict and unwilling to change his conviction even though he had gone to college on a basketball scholarship and it hurt him for me not to play ball. My dad was capable of change, but he was unwilling to change because he had a long-term objective for my life that the coach didn’t have. The coach wanted to win games. My dad wanted to build a son.”

Parents, do you want to set a positive example to your children? Do you want to build them up in a world that is all too ready to tear them down? Do you want them to stand up for what is right when others are pressuring them to do wrong? Do you want to teach them the importance of being a person of integrity? Then accept the fact that the greatest role model they will ever have is you. 

In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us. (Titus 2:7-8, NIV)