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Stop Being Held Back By What People Might Say

10/18/2016

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If people laugh at you for taking a stand for God, you must remember that you're in good company. They laughed at Noah for building an ark when there was no rain in the forecast. They laughed at David when he squared off against a giant while armed with only a slingshot. They laughed at Jesus as He hung on the cross for referring to Himself as the Savior of the world.

When you get serious about being the person God wants you to be you shouldn't be surprised when you get opposition. In fact, you should expect it. As my mentor once told me, "If you're not getting friction, you're not moving."

You cannot settle for less than God's best for you because of what people might say. You must, as the author of the book of Hebrews writes, throw off everything that hinders you and especially the sin that so easily entangles you, and keep running with endurance the race set before you, fixing your attention on Jesus. (​Heb. 12:1, ISV)

Perhaps the first thing you need to do in taking a stand for God is learn how to stand up for yourself. Maybe you need to identify who or what is hindering you from reaching your spiritual goals. And then do something about it.

That may mean throwing off your crutches of addiction and leaning on God to see you through. It may mean cutting off relationships with people who, if you're really honest with yourself,  are holding you back. It may mean putting off for a time meeting the needs of others so you can have your own needs met. If it's any consolation, even Jesus did that. He didn't heal everyone who needed healing. He didn't encourage everyone who needed encouragement. There were times He went off by Himself to spend time with the Father to receive healing and encouragement. Caring for yourself does not mean you're being selfish. It means you're being responsible.

Don't let the opinions of people hold you back from being the person God wants you to be. His is the only opinion that matters. So keep moving forward. And keep your eyes fixed on Him.
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Sex: the Forbidden Subject

10/10/2016

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I was in the woods last weekend with 41 men playing Truth or Dare as we shared our darkest sexual secrets. Now that I have your attention, allow me to explain.

I was in St. Charles, Illinois at a men's sexuality retreat, offered by an organization called The Crucible Project. I was introduced to TCP seven years ago. With fear and trepidation, on the recommendation of my counselor, I traveled to Texas to attend a Crucible retreat. As I look back on my life, there are only a handful of experiences that I would classify as life-changing. That Crucible weekend is one. In those three days I found freedom I had never before experienced--freedom to be real, to be honest about my brokenness, and to love myself as God loves me.

I long for others to experience that same freedom. That's why I lead Finding Father's Love retreats. That's why I wrote my book, When Father is a Bad Word. That's why I'm writing this blog. That's why I have become a part of The Crucible Project staff. 

We all carry wounds of one kind or another. They are the inevitable results of living in a broken world. What we need are places to go where we can openly identify and find healing for those wounds. 

One would think that the safest place to be honest about our sins, our struggles, our fears, our failures would be God's church. Yet for many--especially those who wrestle with issues that are sexual in nature-- church is the least safe place.

In many of our churches, the topic of sex is taboo--verboden (forbidden) as my stern-faced Dutch ancestors would say. It is not to be talked about, joked about, dreamed about, or thought about. It's as if the moment Adam and Eve covered their naughty bits after sinning in the garden, sex became the source of sanctified shame.

When clergy do broach the subject of sex, most of them are not using modifiers like beautiful, wonderful, pleasurable, and gift from God. Instead, they attach to sex adjectives like lustful, sinful, abominable, and shameful. Rather than speak of the positive spiritual benefits of sex they focus instead on the grisly results of violating God's commands on the subject. You could get an STD. You could go blind. You could have body parts fall off. You could lose your marriage, your family, your reputation. You could get kicked out of the church. And, worst of all, you will experience God's judgment. And not the kind of judgment that is given to those who commit "lesser" sins like lying or stealing or killing dozens of people in a murderous rampage. But the kind of judgment reserved only for those whose sins are sexual in nature.

This hellfire and damnation approach to the topic of sexuality will never lead to a decrease in sexual sin. It will only serve to drive those who struggle with it deeper into their shame and often, deeper into their sin. And the number of those who struggle with sexual issues is rising exponentially.

With the internet fueling the fire, sexual sin is burning out of control in our world.  Rape, sex trafficking, sexual assaults, sexual misconduct, and sexual abuse are all on the rise.  The statistics are even more frightening when we consider that only a fraction of these offenses are made public.

Perhaps the most common sexual sin that still remains secret today is the use of pornography.  According to SafeFamilies.org, in a typical month, 70 percent of men under the age 35 look at porn. While some may be shocked by that statistic, all it tells me is that approximately 30 percent of men under the age of 35 also have a problem with lying.

The struggle, as they say, is real. Men--even men in the church--are battling the demons of porn addiction, same sex attraction, compulsive masturbation, the fear of intimacy, the trauma of childhood abuse. And because shame has built a wall around their hearts, most are keeping their issues to themselves.

In a world where God's beautiful, wonderful, pleasurable gift has been twisted and distorted, not only by a Godless culture but by God-fearing Christians, we need places where we can talk about our sexuality openly and honestly. For me, Crucible weekends are that place.

The Crucible Project provides a sanctuary where men can learn about sex as God intended it to be. A place where men--young and old--can dare to share the truth about their sexual struggles without fear of judgment. A place where the bonds of sexual sin can be broken; where the oppressive cloud of shame can once and for all be lifted. A place where God's grace embraces every soul, no matter how sordid our past.

The result of these weekends in the woods? More and more men are walking with integrity. They are owning their sinful behaviors. They are finding healing for their sexual wounds. They are learning what it means to treat their wives and themselves with respect. They are openly teaching their children that sex is a beautiful, wonderful, pleasurable gift from God. They are basking in the freedom that comes from being fearlessly and completely intimate with a Father who knows everything about them and loves them anyway.
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The Father Void: Where to Fill the Hole in Your Soul

10/4/2016

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Every one of us has fears. Some of us are just afraid to admit it. It could be a physical fear, like the fear of heights, snakes, or spiders. It could be a psychological fear, like the fear of failure, rejection, or intimacy. But, if we're honest, we all encounter things in our lives that cause our muscles to tense and our pulse to go into overdrive. 

Fears can induce all kinds of uncomfortable responses--physical, psychological, mental, and emotional. But there is one fear in particular that has a devastating effect on us spiritually. It is a fear that can scar our very souls. I'm speaking of the fear of abandonment.
 
God has created us as relational beings. Each of us has an innate desire to belong, particularly to the ones who gave us life. From the moment we take our first breath, our spirits begin aching for a parental connection.  And without minimizing the effect of a mother on the life of a child, there is a void in our souls that only a father can fill.

That is especially problematic in our culture today where fatherlessness has reached epidemic proportions. A recent US Census Bureau report paints the grim picture: Over one-third (33.5 percent) of children in America are, for various reason, living absent from their biological father. In the African American community, 67 percent of children live in fatherless homes. 

But whether a father’s absence is due to death, divorce, or disassociation, the result is always the same—children who have an empty space in their lives where a father's love is supposed to be.

Magnifying the problem even more is the fact that death, divorce, and desertion are not the only ways fathers abandon their children. Many children have been abandoned by fathers who are physically present in the home but who are absent emotionally. Children have been abandoned by dads who may be in the next room, but who drink too much, who work too much, or who simply have no clue how to be a dad. Sometimes a dad's occupation takes him away from his kids. Sometimes his preoccupation does.

These kids aren’t included in the 33.5 percent of those living without their biological father. But their reality is the same. They, too, need the love and affection of a dad.

The harsh reality is, some of us will never experience a close relationship with our earthly fathers. But that does not mean our Father void can never be filled. All of us can experience in our lives the active and loving presence of our Father in Heaven. Believing and experiencing the presence of a Heavenly Father can heal our father wound--if we open ourselves to Him.  

Psalm 103 tells us that The LORD is like a father to his children (Psalm 103:13, NLT). Granted, to those whose fathers have left them those words are about as uplifting as wearing floaties in a tsunami. But David, the author of that particular psalm, wrote those words in a “best case scenario” context. The ideal father, David says, is filled with “tenderness and compassion” for his children.

In Psalm 27 David paints a vivid picture of the attributes of our Heavenly Father. Throughout this chapter he acknowledges God as our Light, our Salvation, our Fortress, our Protector, and our Helper. These names remind us that we need never feel afraid when our Heavenly Father is around. But in verse 10 he speaks directly to those who are prone to such fears because an absent earthly father. He writes, Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close (NLT). It’s a promise from a Father who has never broken one yet: No matter what your experience with your earthly father, I will hold you close.

Don't continue to run on empty because of father neglect. Stop living with the fear of abandonment because you were deprived by your dad. You have a Father who wants nothing more than to have a loving and close with His kids. He longs to fill the hole in your soul with His abiding presence, His soothing peace, and His limitless love. 
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