​I'm just going to come right out and say it. I think sex is one of God's greatest ideas. On my list of all-time favorite activities, having sex is number one by such a wide margin that you'd scroll down quite a ways to find the runners-up: watching baseball, eating pizza, and going to Disney World.  I am deeply grateful to God for such a special and spectacular gift to humankind. And I am saddened that so many people don't experience it to the full as God intended. 
 
A word that is often associated with sex is needs. Many of us are all about getting our sexual needs met. But instead of focusing on our personal needs when it comes to sex, I would like to offer four general needs surrounding this vitally important topic.
 
1. We need to talk about it.
Sex was designed by God. It is a vital part of Creation. None of us would be here without it. So why do so many of us, especially those in Christian circles, have such a difficult time talking about it?
 
And why is it that when sex is talked about in the church it is almost always spoken of in negative terms? Adultery. Lust. Debauchery. Fornication. Coveting your neighbor's wife. Admonitions are sternly given from pulpits across the country that sex is, indeed, a dangerous thing. We are warned that, if we're not careful, our sexual activity could lead to unfaithfulness, unplanned pregnancy, blindness, and the falling off of body parts.
 
Di you even know that there is actually an entire book of the Bible devoted to the incredible pleasures and raw wonder of sex? Sadly, many believers aren't even aware of that. Because most preachers won't touch it with a ten-foot pole. Solomon's song has been censored by many a church board for inappropriate sexual content.  Makes one question the validity of Timothy's statement that all Scripture is God-breathed and useful for instruction.
 
Dr. Kevin Leman is a Christian psychologist who bravely has gone where not many Christian leaders have gone before. In his book, Sheet Music, Leman broaches the subject of sex with refreshing, albeit rarely seen candor. He writes about the sheer fun of marital sex, addressing taboo subjects like oral sex, sex toys, and sex positions. Some readers may be shocked to learn that just because you're a Christian you don't have to do it in the missionary position.
 
For many in the church, talking about sex is forbidden (verboden, for my Dutch friends) because there is shame attached to it. To find the origin of this unfortunate connection between sex and shame one must go all the way back to the Garden of Eden. Soon after God created the first couple, Eve sinned by eating the fruit God specifically told her not to eat. (I contend that Adam should be exonerated because Eve was naked when she invited him to have a taste.)
 
The Bible tells us that then, in an effort to hide from God, they sewed fig leaves together and covered themselves. And, because they covered their naughty bits, the logical conclusion of many a biblical commentator is that sex is to be forever associated with shame.
 
The reality is, eating the forbidden fruit had nothing to do with sex. The "nakedness" Adam and Eve tried to cover was their open exposure to an all-seeing, all-knowing God. They were ashamed because they were in the wrong, not because they were in the raw.
 
Sex, as God designed it, is never to be disdained. We should never feel ashamed to talk about such a common and important part of our humanness.
 
2. We need to understand its purpose.
A primary reason God invented sex was to populate the earth. "Be fruitful and multiply" was God's command to Adam and Eve. They had to have sex to have children. But it certainly wasn't a chore. I can't imagine that Adam wrote Eve at the top of his "To Do" list, if you'll pardon the pun.
 
Sex was also designed by God to feel really, really, really, really good. It is meant to be pleasurable, even enjoyable. It is a wonderful, phenomenal gift given by our Creator to deepen intimacy between a husband and wife. It is God's intent that the spiritual bonds of marriage be enhanced and strengthened by the physical act of sex.
 
3. We need to identify and overcome obstacles.
As I have worked with people in my ministry who are struggling with relational issues, I am genuinely saddened by the number of hurting souls who have confided in me that they are living in a sexless marriage. It is not uncommon--even for people who have been married for a relatively short period of time--to confess that they hadn't had sex in months, sometimes years.
 
In my experience, sex is rarely the cause of marital trouble. It's a barometer. A lack of intimacy between husband and wife usually indicates more serious issues beneath the surface.
 
In Sheet Music, Dr. Leman identifies the greatest enemy of sex for most men as the lack of imagination on the part of their wives. The killer of sex drive  for most women, Leman writes, is exhaustion.
 
These are not insurmountable barriers. They are often easily taken down by simple communication.
 
Men, if you want your sexual needs met you must meet your wife's emotional needs. Seek ways to relieve her exhaustion. Give her a break from the kids once in a while. Take her on dates. Do things for her around the house before she asks you to do them. There is truth in Leman's statement that "sex begins in the kitchen." If you actively look for ways to make life easier for your wife you may discover that sex can also end in the kitchen.
 
Another common obstacle to sex is a distorted perception of sex. I once counseled a woman who shared that she grew up in a home where sex was never discussed. There was no noticeable affection between her parents. They never gave her "the talk" when she reached puberty. She wasn't really clear about when she graduated from a girl to a woman.
 
Having been raised in a rigid Christian environment, she abstained from premarital sex. Not because she was committed to honoring a loving God with her purity. But because she was terrified of disobeying an angry God with her sinfulness.
 
The day before her wedding her mother offered her this nugget of "wisdom:" Sex is something you need to do for your husband. Give it to him and he'll keep coming home at night.
                            
It is impossible to experience sex as beautiful, pleasurable, and a gift from God when your concept of sex is so distorted that you don't even know it's possible for a woman to experience an orgasm.
 
There are many different issues that threaten to snuff out sexual drive. Husbands and wives owe it to each other, to themselves, and to God, to identify and work through those issues.
 
4. We need to enjoy it to the full.
An intimate relationship, by definition, is a relationship marked by intimacy, or closeness. Intimacy relates to one's deepest nature. It is love that is intensely personal, and completely uninhibited. By design, sex between a husband and wife is to reflect the intimacy of their relationship.
 
To be full-filling, in the true sense of the word, sex must engage our entire being. In God's plan, sex was never meant to be casual. Casual sex is void of intimacy; it is merely a physical encounter. God-ordained sex is the mystical union of body, mind, and soul. It is two becoming one.  
 
A fulfilling sex life takes work. But, considering how much awe, wonder, and sheer pleasure the Creator put into it, it is too important to not put forth maximum effort.  

I was in the woods last weekend with 41 men playing Truth or Dare as we shared our darkest sexual secrets. Now that I have your attention, allow me to explain.

I was in St. Charles, Illinois at a men's sexuality retreat, offered by an organization called The Crucible Project. I was introduced to TCP seven years ago. With fear and trepidation, on the recommendation of my counselor, I traveled to Texas to attend a Crucible retreat. As I look back on my life, there are only a handful of experiences that I would classify as life-changing. That Crucible weekend is one. In those three days I found freedom I had never before experienced--freedom to be real, to be honest about my brokenness, and to love myself as God loves me.

I long for others to experience that same freedom. That's why I lead Finding Father's Love retreats. That's why I wrote my book, When Father is a Bad Word. That's why I'm writing this blog. That's why I have become a part of The Crucible Project staff. 

We all carry wounds of one kind or another. They are the inevitable results of living in a broken world. What we need are places to go where we can openly identify and find healing for those wounds. 

One would think that the safest place to be honest about our sins, our struggles, our fears, our failures would be God's church. Yet for many--especially those who wrestle with issues that are sexual in nature-- church is the least safe place.

In many of our churches, the topic of sex is taboo--verboden (forbidden) as my stern-faced Dutch ancestors would say. It is not to be talked about, joked about, dreamed about, or thought about. It's as if the moment Adam and Eve covered their naughty bits after sinning in the garden, sex became the source of sanctified shame.

When clergy do broach the subject of sex, most of them are not using modifiers like beautiful, wonderful, pleasurable, and gift from God. Instead, they attach to sex adjectives like lustful, sinful, abominable, and shameful. Rather than speak of the positive spiritual benefits of sex they focus instead on the grisly results of violating God's commands on the subject. You could get an STD. You could go blind. You could have body parts fall off. You could lose your marriage, your family, your reputation. You could get kicked out of the church. And, worst of all, you will experience God's judgment. And not the kind of judgment that is given to those who commit "lesser" sins like lying or stealing or killing dozens of people in a murderous rampage. But the kind of judgment reserved only for those whose sins are sexual in nature.

This hellfire and damnation approach to the topic of sexuality will never lead to a decrease in sexual sin. It will only serve to drive those who struggle with it deeper into their shame and often, deeper into their sin. And the number of those who struggle with sexual issues is rising exponentially.

With the internet fueling the fire, sexual sin is burning out of control in our world.  Rape, sex trafficking, sexual assaults, sexual misconduct, and sexual abuse are all on the rise.  The statistics are even more frightening when we consider that only a fraction of these offenses are made public.

Perhaps the most common sexual sin that still remains secret today is the use of pornography.  According to SafeFamilies.org, in a typical month, 70 percent of men under the age 35 look at porn. While some may be shocked by that statistic, all it tells me is that approximately 30 percent of men under the age of 35 also have a problem with lying.

The struggle, as they say, is real. Men--even men in the church--are battling the demons of porn addiction, same sex attraction, compulsive masturbation, the fear of intimacy, the trauma of childhood abuse. And because shame has built a wall around their hearts, most are keeping their issues to themselves.

In a world where God's beautiful, wonderful, pleasurable gift has been twisted and distorted, not only by a Godless culture but by God-fearing Christians, we need places where we can talk about our sexuality openly and honestly. For me, Crucible weekends are that place.

The Crucible Project provides a sanctuary where men can learn about sex as God intended it to be. A place where men--young and old--can dare to share the truth about their sexual struggles without fear of judgment. A place where the bonds of sexual sin can be broken; where the oppressive cloud of shame can once and for all be lifted. A place where God's grace embraces every soul, no matter how sordid our past.

The result of these weekends in the woods? More and more men are walking with integrity. They are owning their sinful behaviors. They are finding healing for their sexual wounds. They are learning what it means to treat their wives and themselves with respect. They are openly teaching their children that sex is a beautiful, wonderful, pleasurable gift from God. They are basking in the freedom that comes from being fearlessly and completely intimate with a Father who knows everything about them and loves them anyway.

How I longed for closeness. I wanted nothing more than to simply be held in his arms and feel any tenderness he had for me. I needed to know that I was important to him; that he cared for me. But at a very early age I discovered the stark and indisputable truth that alcoholism and intimacy are incompatible.

My dad always drank. But when I was very young his drinking became unmanageable. I can still recall in disturbingly vivid detail my dad's drunken rages. The threats. The put-downs. The shaming. The blaming.

I am astounded at the power that flashbacks hold. All these years later, a simple dislodged memory can make me want to run and hide. 

But, just as remembering Dad's angry outbursts continues to trigger fear in me, recalling my hiding places still brings a strange sense of peace to my soul. Under my bed. In my bed, under the covers. My bedroom closet. The trunk of our blue Plymouth. When I was real little I would crawl into the doghouse and huddle in the straw with our Fox Terrier, Max.
  
As I shared these twenty-plus-year-old memories in my counselor's office, he tenderly brought me back to what it was that I needed as a frightened little boy. I stated again my deepest desire: I wanted a close, intimate relationship with my father.

With that goal in mind, my counselor suggested a seemingly easy remedy. Yet I found his prescription hard to swallow. Knowing I might never experience what I needed from my earthly father he said, “Sounds to me like you need to crawl up in your Heavenly Father’s lap and let Him love you.”

Just picturing that scene caused tears to stream down my cheeks. How I hungered for a father's love. How I craved the calm assurance that I was loved. How I need to find solace and safety in my dad's arms.

I knew it was a place I needed to go if I was ever to find healing for my soul. So I planned regular times when I would go off alone with God in hopes of finding what I was looking for.

I discovered that building intimacy is a process. At first, my alone time with my Heavenly Father was best depicted as me standing near Him (at a comfortably safe distance), hands in my pockets, making small talk. I had learned to be apprehensive around fathers. But as my spiritual journey continued I began to explore God's Word to found out more about Him. And the more I understood His true nature, the more I trusted Him. The more I trusted Him, the closer I drew to His side. Then one day, I found myself in His lap, basking in His tender embrace. I can't remember ever feeling that safe before.

I have come to know my Heavenly Father as He is described in Scripture. As my Hiding Place. My Refuge. My Protector. A Father who never misses an opportunity to show His kids just how much He loves them. In His lap I have found the intimacy I was searching for; intimacy that God meant for children to have with their fathers. What a gift.

God also gave my dad and our family a gift. The gift of sobriety. The last several years of my dad's life were alcohol-free. I'm eternally grateful that God brought about a degree of reconciliation between me and my dad. Although it didn't erase the painful memories, we made amends. 

In 1997, my dad passed away. As my siblings and I went through the difficult process of divvying up my parents' belongings I came across an unexpected treasure tucked away in a dresser drawer. It was a picture I had never seen before. Yet another image that triggered tears. It was a photo of me, on my first birthday, pre-addiction, sitting in my father's lap.

That picture is framed and displayed on a shelf in my office. It is my constant reminder that, even though alcoholism gave a very different message, my father loved me. And even if I had never experienced the love of an earthly father--a dilemma that far too many people in our world face--we can find safety in relationship with a Father who wants nothing more than to be close to His kids. In His lap is the safest place we could ever be. 

The ancient proverb says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV). 

But how does one learn to trust God with all their heart, especially when someone they trusted has broken their heart? 

In my own journey toward intimacy with the Heavenly father, my first step in learning trust Him was to clarify our job descriptions: My job is to be faithful, God’s job is to provide results. I have found that whenever I feel anxious, fearful, or overwhelmed, it is a result of my trying to do His job. I must be faithful in trusting Him--even when I don't understand Him, even when His timetable is different than mine, even when I'm not sure I want to be on the path He's charted for me. Trust involves aligning my will with His, not the other way around. 

Trust is fully relying on God to do what we can't. Perhaps that's why we are encouraged to trust Him with all (y)our heart. Half-hearted trust isn't trust at all. When we don't trust with all our heart we leave room for doubt and fear.

We may have people in our lives who have proven themselves untrustworthy. But we have a Heavenly Father who can be trusted wholeheartedly. He is a Father who has never broken a promise. He is a Father who can do what we can't. He is a Father who genuinely wants what is best for His kids. 

“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”--Brennan Manning, Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging

(excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word) 

The relationship a child has with their father has a profound impact on the relationship, if any, they have with God. It is normal even for people who are raised in a healthy family system to project significant people in their lives onto others and expect them to behave in similar ways. It is common to project our parents onto teachers, bosses, spouses—even God. In the world of psychology this is known as transference.

It is very typical for children and adults to project their dads onto God:

· Boys whose dads walked out on the family often grow to be men who believe they can’t rely on God. They rationalize, “Why trust Him? He’ll just walk one day, too.”

· Daughters of workaholic dads can become women with an insatiable need to be valued by God. They attribute their father’s voice to God: “Not now. I’m busy.”

· Sons of strict, legalistic, judgmental dads often, in their adult life, view God as someone whose love must be earned. Their life is all about following the rules.

· Girls who were sexually abused by their fathers become, in many cases, women who find they simply cannot have a close relationship with a male God. The word “intimacy” for them has forever been ruined. 

Here is the dilemma: When we have “father issues” and transfer them onto our Heavenly Father we build a wall between us and Him. In doing so, we separate ourselves from the very thing we’re looking for—a growing, trusting, loving, saving relationship with a Father who wants what’s best for His kids.