There are three rules in dysfunctional family systems:
1. Don’t talk.
2. Don’t trust.
3. Don’t feel.

We learn at an early age not to talk about family problems. We keep them to ourselves either because we are embarrassed about what’s going on or because we’re convinced no one could possibly relate. So we stuff our family stuff.

We learn not to trust others. Children are, by nature, very trusting. Not trusting is a learned behavior. When children are unable to trust you can be sure it is because their trust has been violated by someone close to them.

When children find they can’t talk freely about what is going on in their life and when they are distrusting of those around them they tend to shut down emotionally. They “turn off” feelings like anger, fear, or sadness because they have nowhere to go with them anyway.

Adhering to these three rules as children makes sense. Kids somehow believe that by not talking, not trusting, and not feeling, their pain will be alleviated. But continuing to keep to these rules as adults can have serious consequences. Following these rules as grown-ups does not protect us from pain. It prevents us from wholeness.

The first step in successfully putting our past behind us is to break the rules.

We must talk about the things that caused and, more than likely, continue to cause so much pain. We must bring to the surface those things we didn’t or weren’t allowed to talk about. Our dark family secrets must be brought into the light if we are ever to strip them of their power. We can’t ignore them. We can’t go around them. We must talk through them.

The key to breaking the don’t talk rule is to first break the don’t trust rule. We must find safe people we can talk to. People who have our best interests in mind. People we can be comfortable confiding in. People who won’t judge us. People who accept us–even in our brokenness. As we seek to recover from a painful past we must assemble a support base of trust-worthy people and lean on them often. Yes, this involves risk. But it is a risk worth taking. Trust is the single most important element to a healthy relationship.  So find a counselor. Confide in a friend. Join a support group. Trust does not come easy. Truth is, trusting others with things we’ve kept secret our whole lives can be downright terrifying. But learning to trust is crucial to our emotional, spiritual, and relational well-being.

And, finally, we must learn how to feel. When we’ve found people we can trust, when we give ourselves permission to speak of things we may have never talked about before, we must then deal openly and honestly with any and all feelings that may pop to the surface. We must identify and process the feelings we have spent a lifetime trying to suppress. Author Gita Bellin writes, “The fastest way to freedom is to feel your feelings.” We must actually feel what we feel and feel those feelings all the way through before we can finally release them. That is the only way the pain of our past will no longer pervade our present.

Does the pain and trauma of a difficult childhood still hang like a dark cloud over your adult life? Maybe it’s time to break the rules.

Forbes magazine recently published a list of the 50 most common questions asked in a job interview. The top two questions? What are your strengths? and What are your weaknesses?

Each of us has been uniquely created with abilities and traits that are easily recognized as our personal strengths. Some of us are gifted musically, others of us shine academically. Some of us would be described as empathetic, others are depicted as effervescent.

We also--if we are honest--all have areas of our lives where we are lacking in terms of talents or attributes. While we may have keen insight as to what makes people tick we may be clueless as to what makes our car engine tick. We may know how to organize a major event but can't seem to organize our closet. 

In a healthy family environment, children's strengths are recognized, affirmed, and developed. But in homes where serious dysfunction is present (e.g. a parent's addiction, uncontrolled anger, abandonment, constant criticism) a child's greatest strengths can be taken to such an extreme that they become his or her greatest weaknesses. Driven by the often insatiable need for attention and affirmation, a child's God-given abilities and traits can be transformed from blessings to curses.    

• A child's desire for excellence, fueled by the insecurity of a chaotic environment, can become a need for perfection.
• Living in a dysfunctional family environment can turn a child's spirit of independence into a “nobody’s gonna tell me what to do” attitude.
• Taken to an extreme, a child's sense of responsibility turns into his or her becoming super responsible. He or she begins to believe that they are responsible for everyone and everything.

• A child's caring nature becomes detrimental when he or she  become so busy caring for others that they don’t care for themselves.
• For a child trying to prove his or her worth, being disciplined and task-oriented can become an obsession--so much so that there is no room in their lives for spontaneity or fun.
• A child's sense of humor can be affected in that his or her natural ability to joke and laugh becomes a means of avoiding their pain; they are always “on,” they find it hard to​ ever be serious because serious hurts too much.

• A child's boldness to say what he or she believes, when elevated by the anger associated with their home life, can lead to their being argumentative. He or she have to be right in every situation--even when they know they're wrong.
• A child's sense of loyalty can become an undying allegiance that prevents him or her from acknowledging reality, often leading to their involvement in gangs and toxic romantic relationships.
• When living with people who are unsafe, a child who is naturally shy can become reclusive.

• A child who is compliant by nature, when subjected to a demanding parent, learns that it is wrong to stand up for themselves.  
• When a child's rights are violated in the home, his or her assertiveness can turn into aggressiveness.

The damage caused from growing up in a dysfunctional family environment is far reaching. Everyone in the family system is affected. Many times the effects aren't recognized until they rear their ugly heads in our adult relationships.

The first step toward addressing our "issues" is recognizing that there may be underlying reasons we have them. Many times when trying to understand why we are the way we are we don't connect the dots between past and present.

Once we gain an understanding of where our behaviors originated we can get about the business of reshaping them. We can find healthy ways to address our still-present need for attention and affirmation. With our Creator's help our strengths can truly become strengths once again.

Why is it that the memories we most need to rid our minds of are the ones we seem to cling to for dear life? Most times, it's simply because we choose to hang on to them. If we refuse to let go of hurts from the past we are choosing to let them affect our present and shape our future. 

C.S. Lewis said it well: "Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."

There are three rules in dysfunctional family systems:

1. Don’t talk.
2. Don’t trust.
3. Don’t feel.

We learn at an early age not to talk about family problems. We keep them to ourselves either because we are embarrassed about what’s going on or because we’re convinced no one could possibly relate. So we stuff our family stuff.

We learn not to trust others. Children are, by nature, very trusting. Not trusting is a learned behavior. When children are unable to trust you can be sure it is because their trust has been violated by someone close to them.

When children find they can’t talk freely about what is going on in their life, and when they are distrusting of those around them, they tend to shut down emotionally. They “turn off” feelings like anger, fear, or sadness because they have nowhere to go with them anyway.

Following these three rules as children makes sense. Kids somehow believe that by not talking, not trusting, and not feeling their suffering will be lessened. But continuing to keep to these rules as adults can have serious consequences. Adhering to these rules as grownups does not protect us from hardship. It prevents us from wholeness.

The first step successfully putting our past behind us is to break the rules.

We must talk about the things that caused and, more than likely, continue to cause so much pain. We must bring to the surface those things we didn’t or weren’t allowed to talk about. Our dark family secrets must be brought into the light if we are ever to strip them of their power. We can’t ignore them. We can’t go around them. We must talk through them.

The key to breaking the “don’t talk” rule is to first break the “don’t trust” rule. We must find safe people we can talk to. People who have our best interests in mind. People we can be comfortable confiding in. People who won't judge us. People we can trust. As we seek to recover from a painful past we must assemble a support base of trust-worthy people and lean on them often. Yes, this involves risk. But it is a risk worth taking. Trust is the single most important element to a healthy relationship.  So find a counselor. Talk to a pastor. Confide in a friend. Trust does not come easy. It can be downright terrifying. Know that going in. But learning to trust is crucial to our recovery.

And, finally, we must learn how to feel. When we’ve found people we can trust, when we’ve discovered that we can talk about things we may have never talked about before, we must begin to deal with any and all feelings that may pop to the surface. We must identify and process the feelings we have spent a lifetime trying to suppress. We must actually feel what we feel and feel the feelings all the way through before we can finally be done with them. That is the only way the pain of our past will no longer pervade our present.

Does the pain and trauma of a difficult childhood still hang like a dark cloud over your adult life? Maybe it’s time to break the rules.

(Excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word)

Without the consistent, loving touch of a father a child is more prone to experience sadness, loneliness, and isolation. Young children who lack a significant amount of positive touch from their fathers are, as they grow older, inclined to be more aggressive and violent than those who were nurtured by a loving dad who routinely hugged, cuddled, and kissed them. The lack of a father’s touch can also have an adverse effect on a child’s sexual development.

Zig Ziglar in his book, Better than Good, shares the startling findings of Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist from Chattanooga, Tennessee. Campbell stated that in all of his years of research and practice he has never known an adult of either gender with a sexual dysfunction who had a father who was kind, gentle, loving, thoughtful, affectionate, considerate, and patient. 

A father’s hands can build his child’s life or tear it apart.