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3 Childhood Rules We Have to Break as Adults

7/26/2016

5 Comments

 
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There are three unspoken rules in families affected by addiction:

1. Don’t talk.
2. Don’t trust.
3. D
on’t feel.

I followed them religiously as a child.

I didn't talk. I learned at an early age not to air my family's dirty laundry in public. I protected our family secret with the vigilance of Marine in combat. I never acknowledged my dad’s out-of-control drinking—not with my friends, not with my teachers, not even with my siblings. It was a deep and pervading shame that sealed my lips. I vowed to myself that no one would know the truth of what was happening in our house.

I didn't trust. Since children are, by nature, very trusting, I had to learn not to trust. When my father's promises were routinely broken--I'll take you fishing Saturday, I'll come right home after work, I'll be at your game, I'm going to quit drinking--I learned not to believe anyone or anything. After all, if you can't trust your own father who can you trust? I reasoned that by adhering to the don't trust rule you can guard yourself from a myriad of discouragement. My childhood motto was built on distrust: If you always expect the worst, you will never be disappointed.

I didn't feel. Since I couldn't talk freely about what was going on in my life, not to mention the fact that I had no faith in anyone around me, it should come as no surprise that I began to shut down emotionally. This process was accelerated when, in moments of weakness as a young child, my attempts to express how I felt were swiftly squashed with comments like:
  • You shouldn't feel that way,
  • Stop being such a baby, and 
  • You're just too sensitive.

The strange thing is, following the don't talk, don't trust, don't feel rules actually helped me as a child. Not talking spared me from having my opinions rejected. Not trusting taught me to be self-reliant. Not feeling insulated me from untold heartache. But continuing to follow those rules in my adult life have done nothing but harm me. The very rules that protected me from hardship as a child have prevented me from wholeness as an adult.

It is God's desire that we experience intimacy in our relationship with Him and others. Three non-negotiable components of an intimate relationship: talking, trusting, and feeling. For many of us from addicted homes who deeply desire yet greatly struggle with intimate relationships, perhaps it is simply a matter of breaking the rules.

We must learn to talk about the things that caused and, more than likely, continue to cause so much pain in our lives. We must bring to the surface those things we didn’t or weren’t allowed to talk about. Our dark family secrets must be brought into the light if we are ever to strip them of their power. We can’t keep ignoring them. We must talk through them. If we don't give voice to them they will continue to clamor for attention in the form of anxiety, nervous tension, headaches, stomach issues, and/or depression.

The key to breaking the don’t talk rule is to first break the don’t trust rule. We must find safe people we can talk to. People who will facilitate our wholeness. Who will accept us as we are. Who will give us the encouragement we need. As we seek to find healing from our painful past we must assemble a support base of trust-worthy people and lean on them often. Yes, this involves risk. But it is a risk worth taking. Trust may not come easy, especially when it's been broken in the past by people close to us. But trust is the single most important element in a healthy relationship.  So find a counselor. Talk to a pastor. Confide in a friend. Learning to trust is crucial to our experiencing healing from damaged relationships.

And, finally, we must learn how to feel. When we’ve found people we can talk to and trust them with things we've kept quiet for way too long, we must then be prepared for whatever feelings may pop to the surface, as uncomfortable as that may be. We must acknowledge them. Accept them. Embrace them. We must allow ourselves to feel every feeling and feel it all the way through so that we can finally be done with them. That is the only way the pain of our past will no longer pervade our present.

Does the pain and trauma of a difficult childhood still hang like a dark cloud over your adult life? Does your inability to talk, to trust, and to feel prevent you from being intimate--truly intimate--with God and others you care about? Then maybe it’s time to break the rules.
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The Lie That Kept Me From God

7/19/2016

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I grew up in a home compromised by alcohol. Personal security was continually threatened. Our family never knew from one day to the next just what level of risk to expect when Dad came through the door.

There were those “high alert” days when Dad stayed too long at Alex’s Tap after work. On those days, he would come home and scream and cuss and throw dishes. I would often simply run for cover, seeking refuge in a closet, under my bed, sometimes even in the dog coop. Our fox terrier, Max, proved faithful in keeping me safe when I needed to flee the house.

On “moderate alert” days it was typical for Dad to polish off a six-pack while launching an occasional, outrageous allegation at me or my mom, then stumble into his room and sleep it off. On those days, we would tiptoe through the house so as not to awaken him and trigger any more serious verbal explosions.

Sundays were “low risk”  days. Dad rarely drank on Sundays. Sunday was my favorite day of the week. Dad was a great guy when he wasn’t drinking — kind, caring, a wonderful sense of humor. I have many pleasant memories of Sundays — family dinners that always included warm garlic bread; watching White Sox games on our Zenith black and white TV; and going to church, both morning and evening, armed with enough pink peppermints to offset our garlic breath. We never missed church.

I have never not believed in God. Even as a young child, creation just made more sense than evolution. But I have a confession to make. While I’ve never doubted God’s existence in all my years of being a practicing Christian, I’ve often doubted His word.

If we’re going to be honest, when a person lives with fear, shame, sadness, and the haunting belief that his or her life doesn’t matter, it’s often difficult to buy into what the Bible says about God. We may believe it in our heads that God is a God of love, that He accepts us just as we are, that He works all things together for good. But those attributes are nothing more than spiritual soundbites if they never gain entrance into our hearts.
 
Many times throughout Scripture God is referred to as light. The Apostle John refers to Him as the Light that shines in darkness. James calls Him the Father of lights. I remember singing as a seven-year-old in Sunday School, the Light of the world is Jesus. Problem is, I didn't believe it. I didn’t always see God as light. And not just when I was a scared little boy attempting to navigate through life with a drunken dad, but when I was an adult trying to make sense of all different kinds of heartaches and hurts.

I had come to believe that sometimes God was light and sometimes He was dark. Sometimes He was there for me and sometimes not. Sometimes I experienced Him as warm and caring and other times I viewed Him as dark and brooding. I was believing a lie. And it was a lie that stood as a barrier between me and the God I so desperately needed.

But one day, this truth dawned on me: You can’t possibly trust a God who is sometimes light and sometimes dark.

After decades of this cloudy thinking, God directed me to a Bible verse that gave me much-needed clarity on the matter. The aforementioned Apostle John, who was all about correcting false doctrine in the church, strips away all doubt about God’s luminescence with these straightforward words: God is light; in Him is no darkness at all (emphasis mine).

What an illuminating truth. God is light. God will always be light. The light of His love will flame through all eternity. It cannot be extinguished by the problems or pain we may encounter in life. Even if our circumstances are dark, our God is light. 

The truth is, this world can be a very dark place. When faced with world news about terrorism or political corruptness or having to deal with personal pain like depression or addictive behaviors it is easy to be overcome by darkness. But like a candle glowing in a cavern, God’s love shines brightest in the darkest of times.

Even on the cloudiest of days, we don’t question the sun’s existence. We know that above the clouds the sun still shines. The same is true of God’s light. It burns brightly whether we can see it or not.
​
It’s all about trust. Trusting that God is who He says He is. Believing that He longs to dispel our darkness so that we may bask in His wonderful, life-giving, wound-healing light.
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You Can't Have an Authentic Spiritual Life Without This

7/13/2016

1 Comment

 
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A spiritual life that is based only on going to weekly worship services, reciting rote prayers, and donating money to noble causes is like a marriage that consists solely of spending an hour a week with your spouse, forwarding him or her a daily copied text, and sending monthly payments to cover your living expenses. Without relationship, there's really nothing there. 

(illustration by Zachary Lubarski)
1 Comment

What We Need to Hear When We're Feeling Hopeless

7/6/2016

3 Comments

 
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We've all, at one time or another, stood trembling on the shores of hopelessness. 
  • Devastated by a consultation with our doctor that began with, "I don't know how to tell you this, but..."
  • Despondent because the divorce papers we hold in our hands confirm that the spouse we longed to grow old with doesn't love us anymore.
  • Doubting because God didn't answer our prayers to heal that loved one who meant so much to us. 
  • Desperate because that dark cloud of depression continues to hang over our heads with no sign of dissipating.
  • Disheartened because, despite our best efforts, we've had a relapse in our battle with addiction. Again.  

There is no darker place than a soul that has lost hope. 

Centuries ago, God's chosen people, the Israelites, found themselves in a seemingly hopeless situation. After being released from captivity in Egypt they thought they were home free, in the literal sense. 

God had promised them a new place to live--a land described in the book of Exodus as a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey. That metaphor suggests a place of pure enjoyment, a vibrant and fertile land. The Hebrew word used for flowing comes from a verb which is best translated, to gush.  After years of hardship, the people of Israel were looking forward to a life of joy and blessing, with God's goodness gushing all over them. 

But those dreams were dashed once they heard the muffled sounds of galloping horses coming up from behind. The Egyptians had rethought their decision to let God's people go and were now in hot pursuit to bring them back to the land of slavery. 

There was no way the people of Israel could outrun Egypt's finest chariots. Making matters worse was the fact that the Israelites were unarmed. But sealing the hopelessness of the situation was what lay immediately ahead. There, stretched out before the Israelites as far as they could see, was the Red Sea. They had nowhere to turn--except to God.

Most of us, at some point in our lives, have stood on that shore. We may be standing there now. Adversity pressing in on all sides with no conceivable way out. Crying out to God for help. And if we listen--really listen with a heart of faith--we will hear Him. He tenderly 
responds to us as He did to the children of Israel (Ex. 14):
  • Don't be afraid.
  • Stand firm.
  • I will fight for you.
  • I will deliver you.

The Apostle Paul refers to God as our "source of hope." His desire is that His children "overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit" (Rom. 15:13). So He continually speaks words of hope to us. In fact, the Bible could best be described as God's message of hope to the world. 

That message flows through the book of Psalms:
  • Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God (Ps. 42:5).
  • We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield (Ps. 33:20).
  • The LORD’s delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love (Ps. 147:11).
  • Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them (Ps. 10:17).
  • Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge (Ps. 62:5-8).

God doesn't promise that we will never experience painful trials in our lives. But He promises that we will never face those trials alone. Hope is not the absence of pain, it's the presence of God.

The Bible says, The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him (Lam. 3:25). We describe life as "good" when everything works out exactly as we want. God's "good" is different. It's "better than good." It reaches beyond our circumstances and embraces our souls. When we seek God, believing that He is our source of hope, we will experience His goodness. We will feel His abiding presence. We will gain a deeper understanding of His love. We will acquire the confidence to take our next step. We will receive the strength to trust Him even when we don't understand Him. 

God is the hope of the world. With the hope of the world on our side, we will never again encounter a hopeless situation.
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