I was in the woods last weekend with 41 men playing Truth or Dare as we shared our darkest sexual secrets. Now that I have your attention, allow me to explain.

I was in St. Charles, Illinois at a men's sexuality retreat, offered by an organization called The Crucible Project. I was introduced to TCP seven years ago. With fear and trepidation, on the recommendation of my counselor, I traveled to Texas to attend a Crucible retreat. As I look back on my life, there are only a handful of experiences that I would classify as life-changing. That Crucible weekend is one. In those three days I found freedom I had never before experienced--freedom to be real, to be honest about my brokenness, and to love myself as God loves me.

I long for others to experience that same freedom. That's why I lead Finding Father's Love retreats. That's why I wrote my book, When Father is a Bad Word. That's why I'm writing this blog. That's why I have become a part of The Crucible Project staff. 

We all carry wounds of one kind or another. They are the inevitable results of living in a broken world. What we need are places to go where we can openly identify and find healing for those wounds. 

One would think that the safest place to be honest about our sins, our struggles, our fears, our failures would be God's church. Yet for many--especially those who wrestle with issues that are sexual in nature-- church is the least safe place.

In many of our churches, the topic of sex is taboo--verboden (forbidden) as my stern-faced Dutch ancestors would say. It is not to be talked about, joked about, dreamed about, or thought about. It's as if the moment Adam and Eve covered their naughty bits after sinning in the garden, sex became the source of sanctified shame.

When clergy do broach the subject of sex, most of them are not using modifiers like beautiful, wonderful, pleasurable, and gift from God. Instead, they attach to sex adjectives like lustful, sinful, abominable, and shameful. Rather than speak of the positive spiritual benefits of sex they focus instead on the grisly results of violating God's commands on the subject. You could get an STD. You could go blind. You could have body parts fall off. You could lose your marriage, your family, your reputation. You could get kicked out of the church. And, worst of all, you will experience God's judgment. And not the kind of judgment that is given to those who commit "lesser" sins like lying or stealing or killing dozens of people in a murderous rampage. But the kind of judgment reserved only for those whose sins are sexual in nature.

This hellfire and damnation approach to the topic of sexuality will never lead to a decrease in sexual sin. It will only serve to drive those who struggle with it deeper into their shame and often, deeper into their sin. And the number of those who struggle with sexual issues is rising exponentially.

With the internet fueling the fire, sexual sin is burning out of control in our world.  Rape, sex trafficking, sexual assaults, sexual misconduct, and sexual abuse are all on the rise.  The statistics are even more frightening when we consider that only a fraction of these offenses are made public.

Perhaps the most common sexual sin that still remains secret today is the use of pornography.  According to SafeFamilies.org, in a typical month, 70 percent of men under the age 35 look at porn. While some may be shocked by that statistic, all it tells me is that approximately 30 percent of men under the age of 35 also have a problem with lying.

The struggle, as they say, is real. Men--even men in the church--are battling the demons of porn addiction, same sex attraction, compulsive masturbation, the fear of intimacy, the trauma of childhood abuse. And because shame has built a wall around their hearts, most are keeping their issues to themselves.

In a world where God's beautiful, wonderful, pleasurable gift has been twisted and distorted, not only by a Godless culture but by God-fearing Christians, we need places where we can talk about our sexuality openly and honestly. For me, Crucible weekends are that place.

The Crucible Project provides a sanctuary where men can learn about sex as God intended it to be. A place where men--young and old--can dare to share the truth about their sexual struggles without fear of judgment. A place where the bonds of sexual sin can be broken; where the oppressive cloud of shame can once and for all be lifted. A place where God's grace embraces every soul, no matter how sordid our past.

The result of these weekends in the woods? More and more men are walking with integrity. They are owning their sinful behaviors. They are finding healing for their sexual wounds. They are learning what it means to treat their wives and themselves with respect. They are openly teaching their children that sex is a beautiful, wonderful, pleasurable gift from God. They are basking in the freedom that comes from being fearlessly and completely intimate with a Father who knows everything about them and loves them anyway.

Most of us know how it feels when we’ve made that last payment on something—whether it’s a car, a credit card, a student loan, a house. It is so freeing, isn't it, to finally be done with a debt?

But what if, out of sheer habit, we just kept making payments? What if we continued to write checks every month to old creditors even though our debt had already been taken care of? That's just crazy, isn't it?

Yet that is exactly what many of us do with our spiritual account with God. We keep trying to pay on our debt to Him even though He has already stamped it PAID IN FULL.

We often operate as if Jesus made a partial payment on our sin debt and that the balance is up to us. It's as if His grace wasn't quite enough to get the job done in putting us in right standing with God. We convince ourselves that we must rely on our works to fill the gap.

So rather than placing our trust fully in Christ to cleanse and redeem us we attempt to pay God back for the bad things we've done by doing even more good things. We set out to prove ourselves worthy of His forgiveness and grace with good and noble accomplishments. But, in doing so, we miss the main point of grace. We are not saved from our sins because of our goodness. We are saved because of God's goodness.

Our gracious God, solely out of His great love for us, sent His Son to the world to pay the price for our sins. Our debt was fully covered at the cross.

The last utterance of Jesus at Calvary was the gasp, "It is finished" (John 19:30).  The Greek word used by the Apostle John in his account of the crucifixion of Christ is tetelestai--a word is found nowhere else in the Bible. It means fully completed, paid up in full, no longer having any outstanding debt. In that culture, the word was often written on business documents indicating that a bill had been paid. John's Greek readership would have made that connection immediately. There was no mistaking John's message: Christ died to pay for their sins. Fully. Completely. 

If we find ourselves--out of guilt or obligation--still trying to cover the cost of our sins we need to let this incredible truth set in: Jesus paid the price so we wouldn’t have to. The Bible says, "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 6:23, NLT).
​
Did you get that? Grace is a "free gift." It can never be earned. We can't possibly do enough good things in our lives to repay God. But, thanks be to God, we don't have to. Jesus paid it all. We can put our checkbooks away. Our account was closed at the cross. 

It is said that six percent of the American population experience some form of tinnitus (ringing in the ears) at different stages of life. Many times it is simply a result of being subjected to loud noises and, after a period of time, it goes away. But over 12 million people have sought medical attention for tinnitus that doesn't go away. I am one of those people.

While there are some treatments that have helped make tinnitus more bearable, there is no known cure. The most common words of advice from even the very best ear, nose, and throat doctors: Learn to live with it. 

For me, most days the ringing is tolerable. Other days, for reasons I still haven't been able to figure out, it is quite pronounced. Today is one of those days.

I tend to like to be in control (those who have ever worked with me are saying, "Yeah, tell us something we don't know). But wanting to take charge of the situation has only proven to make it worse. The more I dwell on it, the more I try to fix it. The more I try to fix it, the more helpless I feel. The more helpless I feel, the more frustrated I get. The more frustrated I get, the more stress I experience. And stress is a known trigger for tinnitus sufferers. 

I am learning (I'm not there yet--but I'm learning​) to embrace my tinnitus as a means to experience at a deeper level God's wonderful gift of grace.

In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul acknowledged that there was a difficulty in his life which he referred to as a "thorn in the flesh." Biblical scholars have come up with a number of possibilities as to what Paul's thorn actually was. Some believe it was a physical disability, perhaps malaria, epilepsy, migraines, or an eye problem. Some are of the opinion that Paul's thorn was a temptation he was experiencing. Others contend it was a person who had gotten under Paul's skin.

No matter what it was specifically, there was something in Paul's life that clearly bothered him. And on multiple occasions he asked God to take it away. God's answer: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9)

What God said to Paul and what He is saying to all of us who struggle with adversity in our lives is this: Don't dwell on your problems. Dwell in my presence. My grace is all you need.

Every one of us has problems. Legitimate, difficult, sometimes painful problems. But while we can't choose which problems we'll have to deal with in our lives we do have a choice as to what we do with them.

Many of us, in the theater of our minds, choose to give our problems center stage. We choose to make them our primary focus. We choose to place our full attention on them. We choose to worry about them, we wonder about how to fix them, we ask why they are happening to us.

And left in the wake of our worry, wonder, and whys is any possibility of happiness, joy, and contentment.

If we have determined before we even get out of bed in the morning that it's going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, we may as well stay in bed. We'd actually be doing the rest of the world a favor. 

But, the truth is, we have a choice in the matter. Every day, at any given moment, we can choose to be happy simply by choosing what we want to think about. 

Groucho Marx once said, "Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be."

So how might our lives be different if, rather than settling into our ringside seats every day to watch how our problems are going to play out, we chose to place God center stage? What if we chose to make make Him our primary focus? What if we chose to place our full attention on Him? What if we chose every day to watch God's love, mercy, and grace show?

I am in no way saying that we must simply think happy thoughts and ignore our problems. But there is a big difference between dealing with our problems and dwelling on our problems.

A person who chooses to dwell on their problems cannot be happy. But a person who chooses to dwell in God's presence cannot be unhappy.

This is a cable TV interview I did recently for Crossroad Bible Institute, a prison ministry based in Grand Rapids, MI. My life was affected by my earthly father's alcoholism. But my life was transformed by my Heavenly Father's redeeming grace.  

(Excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word)

The story is told about Frank Szymanski, a center for the Notre Dame football team, who in the 1940s was called as a witness in a civil suit in South Bend. “Are you on the Notre Dame football team this year?” the judge asked.

Szmanski replied, “Yes, your Honor.”

The judge asked, “What position?”

“Center, your honor,” came the response.

“How good a center?” asked the judge.

Szymanski squirmed in his seat, then said firmly, “I am the best center Notre Dame ever had.”

Coach Frank Leahy, who was in courtroom, was surprised by the answer of the usually modest, unassuming Szymanski. When the proceedings were over, the coach took Szymanski aside and asked why he made such a statement.

Szymanski blushed and said, “I hated to do it, Coach, but, after all, I was under oath.”

As children adopted by the Heavenly Father, we must be unabashedly confident in knowing who we are.

In His love letter to the world God brags about us. He calls us beloved. Says we’re His lambs. He makes it clear that He delights in being our Daddy; that He treasures spending time with us. He invites us to share with Him our dreams and desires, our problems and pain. He cares so much about us that He offers us love without condition and grace without exception. The Creator of the Universe is pleased to call you and me His own. 

That is the truth and nothing but the truth.  

Most of us know how it feels when we’ve made that last payment on something—whether it’s a car, a house, a credit card, a student loan.

It is so freeing, isn't it, to finally be done with that debt? But what if, out of sheer habit, we just kept making payments? What if we continued to write checks every month even though our debt had been paid in full?

That’s just crazy, isn’t it?

And yet that is exactly what many of us do with God’s grace. We still try to pay on an account that has been paid in full. We keep trying to impress Him with the good things we do. But our good works not done out of a profound sense gratitude for all God has done for us. They are born out of guilt; performed in an attempt to prove ourselves worthy.

We continue to try to earn God's gift of grace, even though it's been given to us for free.

The truth of the matter is this: Our Heavenly Father didn’t simply help us out with a couple of payments on our debt to Him. He tells us over and over again in His Word that He has paid our debt in full. He paid the price for our sin--the wrongs we've done in the past and the mistakes we continue to make--through the death of His Son. We owe nothing. We are in the clear. The cross of Calvary stands as an exclamation point that we have been declared debt free! 

When we find ourselves spiritually strapped, trying desperately to compensate for our sinful behavior; when we continue to try to wrestle our burden off of Jesus' shoulders so we can carry it ourselves, we are not experiencing the freedom that Christ came to give us. We must let this incredible truth set in--Jesus bore our sin so we don’t have to. Our Heavenly Father has issued this statement: So if the Son sets you free you are free indeed. (John 8:36, NIV)  At the bottom of our personal account, God has stamped, PAID IN FULL.

Our Heavenly Father’s astonishing gift of grace can never be earned. We can't possibly do enough good things in our lifetime to repay Him. But, thanks be to God, we don’t have to.

Until we uncover the breadth of our sin, we will not discover the depth of God's grace.