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HOT SEX! Now that I have your attention...

8/7/2017

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​I'm just going to come right out and say it. I think sex is one of God's greatest ideas. On my list of all-time favorite activities, having sex is number one by such a wide margin that you'd scroll down quite a ways to find the runners-up: watching baseball, eating pizza, and going to Disney World.  I am deeply grateful to God for such a special and spectacular gift to humankind. And I am saddened that so many people don't experience it to the full as God intended. 
 
A word that is often associated with sex is needs. Many of us are all about getting our sexual needs met. But instead of focusing on our personal needs when it comes to sex, I would like to offer four general needs surrounding this vitally important topic.
 
1. We need to talk about it.
Sex was designed by God. It is a vital part of Creation. None of us would be here without it. So why do so many of us, especially those in Christian circles, have such a difficult time talking about it?
 
And why is it that when sex is talked about in the church it is almost always spoken of in negative terms? Adultery. Lust. Debauchery. Fornication. Coveting your neighbor's wife. Admonitions are sternly given from pulpits across the country that sex is, indeed, a dangerous thing. We are warned that, if we're not careful, our sexual activity could lead to unfaithfulness, unplanned pregnancy, blindness, and the falling off of body parts.
 
Di you even know that there is actually an entire book of the Bible devoted to the incredible pleasures and raw wonder of sex? Sadly, many believers aren't even aware of that. Because most preachers won't touch it with a ten-foot pole. Solomon's song has been censored by many a church board for inappropriate sexual content.  Makes one question the validity of Timothy's statement that all Scripture is God-breathed and useful for instruction.
 
Dr. Kevin Leman is a Christian psychologist who bravely has gone where not many Christian leaders have gone before. In his book, Sheet Music, Leman broaches the subject of sex with refreshing, albeit rarely seen candor. He writes about the sheer fun of marital sex, addressing taboo subjects like oral sex, sex toys, and sex positions. Some readers may be shocked to learn that just because you're a Christian you don't have to do it in the missionary position.
 
For many in the church, talking about sex is forbidden (verboden, for my Dutch friends) because there is shame attached to it. To find the origin of this unfortunate connection between sex and shame one must go all the way back to the Garden of Eden. Soon after God created the first couple, Eve sinned by eating the fruit God specifically told her not to eat. (I contend that Adam should be exonerated because Eve was naked when she invited him to have a taste.)
 
The Bible tells us that then, in an effort to hide from God, they sewed fig leaves together and covered themselves. And, because they covered their naughty bits, the logical conclusion of many a biblical commentator is that sex is to be forever associated with shame.
 
The reality is, eating the forbidden fruit had nothing to do with sex. The "nakedness" Adam and Eve tried to cover was their open exposure to an all-seeing, all-knowing God. They were ashamed because they were in the wrong, not because they were in the raw.
 
Sex, as God designed it, is never to be disdained. We should never feel ashamed to talk about such a common and important part of our humanness.
 
2. We need to understand its purpose.
A primary reason God invented sex was to populate the earth. "Be fruitful and multiply" was God's command to Adam and Eve. They had to have sex to have children. But it certainly wasn't a chore. I can't imagine that Adam wrote Eve at the top of his "To Do" list, if you'll pardon the pun.
 
Sex was also designed by God to feel really, really, really, really good. It is meant to be pleasurable, even enjoyable. It is a wonderful, phenomenal gift given by our Creator to deepen intimacy between a husband and wife. It is God's intent that the spiritual bonds of marriage be enhanced and strengthened by the physical act of sex.
 
3. We need to identify and overcome obstacles.
As I have worked with people in my ministry who are struggling with relational issues, I am genuinely saddened by the number of hurting souls who have confided in me that they are living in a sexless marriage. It is not uncommon--even for people who have been married for a relatively short period of time--to confess that they hadn't had sex in months, sometimes years.
 
In my experience, sex is rarely the cause of marital trouble. It's a barometer. A lack of intimacy between husband and wife usually indicates more serious issues beneath the surface.
 
In Sheet Music, Dr. Leman identifies the greatest enemy of sex for most men as the lack of imagination on the part of their wives. The killer of sex drive  for most women, Leman writes, is exhaustion.
 
These are not insurmountable barriers. They are often easily taken down by simple communication.
 
Men, if you want your sexual needs met you must meet your wife's emotional needs. Seek ways to relieve her exhaustion. Give her a break from the kids once in a while. Take her on dates. Do things for her around the house before she asks you to do them. There is truth in Leman's statement that "sex begins in the kitchen." If you actively look for ways to make life easier for your wife you may discover that sex can also end in the kitchen.
 
Another common obstacle to sex is a distorted perception of sex. I once counseled a woman who shared that she grew up in a home where sex was never discussed. There was no noticeable affection between her parents. They never gave her "the talk" when she reached puberty. She wasn't really clear about when she graduated from a girl to a woman.
 
Having been raised in a rigid Christian environment, she abstained from premarital sex. Not because she was committed to honoring a loving God with her purity. But because she was terrified of disobeying an angry God with her sinfulness.
 
The day before her wedding her mother offered her this nugget of "wisdom:" Sex is something you need to do for your husband. Give it to him and he'll keep coming home at night.
                            
It is impossible to experience sex as beautiful, pleasurable, and a gift from God when your concept of sex is so distorted that you don't even know it's possible for a woman to experience an orgasm.
 
There are many different issues that threaten to snuff out sexual drive. Husbands and wives owe it to each other, to themselves, and to God, to identify and work through those issues.
 
4. We need to enjoy it to the full.
An intimate relationship, by definition, is a relationship marked by intimacy, or closeness. Intimacy relates to one's deepest nature. It is love that is intensely personal, and completely uninhibited. By design, sex between a husband and wife is to reflect the intimacy of their relationship.
 
To be full-filling, in the true sense of the word, sex must engage our entire being. In God's plan, sex was never meant to be casual. Casual sex is void of intimacy; it is merely a physical encounter. God-ordained sex is the mystical union of body, mind, and soul. It is two becoming one.  
 
A fulfilling sex life takes work. But, considering how much awe, wonder, and sheer pleasure the Creator put into it, it is too important to not put forth maximum effort.  
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A Shocking Message About Sex

2/12/2015

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The movie Fifty Shades of Grey opens this weekend. Just in time for Valentines Day. Rumor has it many teens across the country are planning to see it.

Clergy, Christian parents, and all those who view sex as sacred are appalled and/or outraged. Condemning the movie as "smut" and "filth," they proclaim that movies like this "send the wrong message about sex." I agree. But I have a question for those of us who understand the importance of living by biblical principles in regard to sex: Are we sending the right message?

Last year, I was asked to do the middle school sex talk at a Christian school. In recent years, the school had brought in representatives from a local faith-based pregnancy center to give "the talk." The teachers complained that the agency's presentation was from a primarily negative point of view. The speakers warned the young pubescents about the dangers of teen pregnancy and STDs and went into graphic detail about all the horrifying things that can happen to our body parts if we don’t follow God’s commandments.

Sadly, that was the primary message many of these kids were getting at home and church as well.

A fresh, more positive approach was needed, the teachers said. So I was asked to give "the talk." I had done many talks before at the school as a drug and alcohol preventionist. I did not follow the popular "Just Say No" theme. Rather, I focused on what the kids needed to say yes to--positivity, integrity, healthy relationships, a healthy sense of self-worth, and bringing honor to God. 

I eagerly accepted the challenge of addressing the topic of sex. Those kids will never be the same. In fact, I'm reasonably sure the teachers will never be the same.

I gave no warnings or disclaimers. I came right out of the gate with this: 
       I LOVE sex! 
       Sex is one of the most awesomely amazing gifts God has ever given! 
       There is nothing in the world I would rather do than have sex with my wife!

The color drained from every adolescent's face. Eyes glazed over. Mouths fell open with nothing coming out. I thought for a moment that one of the teachers would need CPR--all indications that mine was not a message they were familiar with.

I know I never heard such things when I first starting pondering sex as a child while perusing the intimates section of the Sears Wish Book. Most parents from my generation avoided the topic like the plague. That’s why schools had to pay people to come in and tell kids what the parents didn’t want to talk about. If my friends' parents dared to broach the subject with them I'm reasonably sure the words awesome and amazing were not part of the conversation. 

The directive given by parents from my generation, and often reinforced at church and school, was a classic mixed message: Sex is dirty and wrong. Save it for the one you love. Is it any wonder we’re all in therapy?

I've gone to church my entire life (spanning over a half-century) and I never once heard a sermon about sex being a beautiful, pleasurable gift from God. Honestly, I'm surprised Song of Solomon is still in our pew Bibles. I would have thought that, by now, someone would have come up with a sanitized, PG-rated version of Scripture that goes straight from Ecclesiastes to Isaiah.

Your breasts are like two fawns, the twins of a gazelle (Song of Solomon 7:3, NCV)? I don't remember ever getting a gold star in Sunday School for memorizing that verse. (And by the way men, don’t ever tell your wife her breasts are like twins of a gazelle. It won't get her in the mood. Trust me, I know.)

I talked to the kids very openly in the classroom that day about what God intended sex to be. And, only after presenting sex for what it truly is—a pleasing present from our Creator meant to be enjoyed--did we talk about the boundaries God has put around sex; boundaries given not because He is a prude and doesn't want His followers to have any fun, but so that His incredible gift can be enjoyed to the full.

To illustrate my point, I brought with me into the classroom a little plug-in fake fire. You see, kids (and men) are all about visual aids. I turned the fire on and enlightened the students about the benefits of being around a fire; that sitting in front of a fireplace makes us feel cozy and warm; that fire illuminates everything in proximity in a beautiful golden hue; that it brings a sense of satisfaction and contentment.

But then I shared that those benefits can only be enjoyed if we keep the fire in the fireplace. That it is only when a fire is in the confines of a fireplace that it is beneficial and safe and enjoyable.

The reality is, when we take the fire out of the fireplace it can burn our house down. Our Heavenly Father, out of His great love for His kids, places similar boundaries around sex.

By God’s grand design, sex is meant to make us feel cozy and warm. It is illuminating. The sexual act has incredible physical and emotional benefits as it brings two people together in the most loving and intimate way. But take sex out of the confines of marriage and it can be raging and destructive. It is no longer safe. It ceases to serve its God-designed purpose. It can burn our lives down.

Hollywood is not bashful in presenting boundary-less sex as the secret to true happiness and contentment. Millions have fallen for that lie and and have been burned.  

The opening this weekend of Fifty Shades of Grey will rile up a lot of believers. But rather than protest what we're against, how about we promote what we're for? Let's cut through the shame that often blankets this subject and speak more openly about what sex is meant to be. Let's seize the opportunity to talk to our kids about sex being a beautiful, pleasurable, awesomely amazing gift from God, designed to be enjoyed to the full in the context of marriage. 

Lord knows we're getting inundated with wrong messages about this subject. Let's openly promote the right message.
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