The story is told of a conference speaker who regularly asks his audiences to raise their hands if they thought they could go 24 hours without saying any unkind words about or to another person. He implores them to be honest. Without exception, only a handful of people raise their hands. On several occasions people have actually shouted out, “No!”

Joseph Telushkin, author of Words That Hurt, Words That Heal said, "If you cannot go 24 hours without drinking liquor, you are addicted to alcohol. If you cannot go 24 hours without smoking, you are addicted to nicotine. Similarly, if you cannot go 24 hours without saying unkind words to or about others, then you have lost control of your tongue.”

God says it clearly: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful or building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29, NIV)

We all need the encouragement and support that comes from words that are kind and affirming. Every one of us has that need. But the need is even greater for those who didn't hear such words growing up. 

Kind words build others up. Unkind words tear them down. If you can't say anything nice about someone you're not looking deep enough. Build them up with your words according to their needs. It will benefit them. And it will benefit you. 
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​The boy knew he might be late for school but he couldn’t help himself. The sight of four black puppies in the pet store window stopped him dead in his tracks. It was only a matter of minutes after the dismissal bell rang that the boy was back at the window making sure all the puppies were still there. He then ran home as fast as he could.

“Mom, can I get a puppy?” The boy’s mother was skeptical. When he assured her that he would not only pay for the puppy himself but would care for it she relented.

The boy collected his savings and dashed out the door.

He counted the puppies in the window before going inside the store.  The pet store owner then took him back to the window to make his selection. The boy’s decision had already been made. “I want that one,” he said as he pointed to the smallest puppy in the corner.

“Oh, you don’t want that one,” the store owner replied. “He’s crippled. He’s got a problem with one of his legs. He can’t run and play like the other puppies. Choose another one.”

The boy lifted his pant leg exposing a metal leg brace. “No,” the boy insisted. “I think I’ll take the one in the corner.”

One of the most helpful things we can do when when our hearts are hurting is seek the companionship of someone who knows our struggle. God has a knack for bringing “kindred spirits” into our lives to help us to process our pain and restore our hope.

I feel a special connection to people with father wounds. A shared history makes me tender toward those deprived of a dad’s love. I have found healing through those whose stories parallel mine. 

When our daughter was struggling to weather the emotional devastation of two unsuccessful pregnancies, it wasn't her mother or father or pastor or doctor who brought her calm and offered her hope. It was women--young and old, some of whom she didn't even know--who felt what she was feeling. They knew first-hand the heartache, shame, and loneliness of miscarriage. And they made it through.

Where do cancer patients find the most hope? From cancer survivors. Who offers more support  to a person caught in the web of alcoholism than one who has been set free from the same snare?

More times than not, the person who lends the most comfort, understanding, and compassion when we're faced a gut-wrenching trial--whether it be depression, addiction, the loss of a job, or the loss of marriage--is someone who has walked that same road.

God shines brightest through people who have encountered suffering and have not only survived, but have come out of their ordeals with supernatural strength, greater love, and deeper faith.  

The truth is, when our storms subside, we often don't remember their severity or the even the depth of our struggle. But we never forget who was with us.  

There is incredible power in the words, Me, too. 

On the west coast of the United States are found the tallest living tree species on earth. Coastal redwoods have been known to grow taller than 300 feet in height, with diameters up to 20 feet. Some are so wide they actually have roads going through them.

But what is most amazing about coastal redwoods is how long they live. There are redwood trees on the west coast that are more than 2,000 years old. Think about that—some of these giant trees were saplings when Jesus was in diapers.

What makes the longevity of the redwoods so incredible is that many of the mature trees have survived drought, forest fires, and the fiercest of storms–even though their roots grow only four to six feet into the ground. 

So why are these giant trees so resilient? How do they continue to stand strong with such shallow roots? It’s because the roots of individual redwoods grow intertwined with the roots of their neighbors.

These trees have a simple, yet essential support system. They are holding hands with each other underground. Our awesome Creator God designed a nurturing underground network for these trees that allows them to withstand potentially deadly conditions and continue to grow heavenward.

Redwoods that stand alone are sure to fall in the first significant storm that comes their way. The same can be said of us when we attempt to stand alone and brave the elements of life. God has created us as relational beings. We were not meant to go it alone.

Way back in the Garden of Eden, God’s own critique of His marvelous creation identified but one thing that was less than stellar. God assessed, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). Adam needed others.

God’s appraisal of humankind hasn’t changed. His desire for us today is that we, too, rely on others; that we be a part of a support system; that we stand arm in arm with those around us; that we help each other to combat the storms of life so we can grow closer to Him every day.

From the beginning of time God’s grand plan for us--for both women and men--included dependence, submission, and surrender.

For much of my life—more than I’d like to admit—my working definition of a man most assuredly did not include the words dependence, submission, and surrender. It had been ingrained in me, mostly by an alcoholic father, that a real man needs no help. And, even if he did, he was to never expose his “weakness” by admitting it. A real man depended on no one.  And if a real man were to fall, he was expected, to use a tired phrase from my childhood that still causes a twinge in my gut, to pick himself up by the bootstraps.

That mindset was the wall between me and the connectedness to other men I silently yearned for. Then one fall weekend in Texas six years ago, God, out of His great love for me, took a sledgehammer to that wall.

It was at a men's retreat put on by The Crucible Project that my definition of a man was forever changed. A real man, I observed, is not afraid to be vulnerable. A real man is not ashamed to be honest. A real man embodies a dependence on a faithful and loving God; who extends His hand to the fallen, not wagging a finger of guilt, but offering the grip of grace.

I am not ashamed to say it. I can’t do it on my own. I need the support of others who understand my journey. I need the compassion of friends who feel what I feel. I need the unconditional acceptance of fellow strugglers who mess up, just like I do.

I encourage everyone--but particularly those whose hearts have been wounded--to build a support network; to surround themselves with caring souls who will give them the understanding, compassion, and support we all need. With the help of God and others, we can stand tall.

It is wise for anyone who is going through difficulties in life--whatever they may be--to build a support network. Just as our pain comes through relationships, our healing comes through relationships.

The key is finding the right people to be a part of our recovery team: people who are going to encourage us, build us up, and help us to heal. Our support base may include friends, mentors, pastors, counselors, or a 12-step group. Look around. Who is it that God has placed in your life to be His voice, His ears, His arms? Identify them. Draw strength from them.

That being said, this process of building our support network also involves identifying and keeping our distance from those who we know from past experience will not help us to heal. We all have toxic people in our lives. People who don't encourage us, but discourage us. People who don’t build us up, but tear us down. People who don't help us to heal, but who cause us even deeper hurts.

Sadly, our own family members may be toxic. It is true that we can't choose our relatives. But we can choose to put a healthy distance between us and them. 

When it comes to investing in people, we must choose those who are going to pay huge dividends in our lives, not those who continually drain our account.

Our Heavenly Father provides a road to recovery for every one of His hurting children who seeks it. It's a road that leads to peace, joy, forgiveness, contentment, and healing. But before we set out on our journey, we must surround ourselves with healthy, hope-filled people who are committed to helping us arrive at our destination.

"I've been burned too many times."
"I don't know who I can trust."
"It's safer to just keep my problems to myself."

All are comments made by wounded souls who have been hurt even further by the words and attitudes of others. But keeping our problems to ourselves is not the answer. Our great God created us as relational beings. We were never meant to go it alone in this world. We must recognize that just as our pain comes through relationships, our healing comes through relationships.

On the west coast of the U.S. are found the tallest living tree species on earth. Coastal redwoods have been known to grow taller than 300 feet in height and up to 20 feet in diameter.

But what’s most amazing about coastal redwoods is how long they live, There are redwoods in California that are more than 2,000 years old. Think about that—some of these giant trees were saplings when Jesus walked the earth.

What makes the giant redwoods' longevity so incredible is that many of these trees have survived drought, forest fires, and the fiercest of storms--even though their roots grow only 4-6 feet into the ground.

So why are these giant trees so resilient? How do they continue to stand strong no matter what nature brings their way? Their durability is attributed to their root system. Although they don't grow very deep, the roots of individual redwoods grow intertwined with the roots of their neighbors. These trees have a simple, yet strong support system. They are "holding hands" with each other underground.

God designed an in-ground, nurturing network for these trees that allows them to withstand the severest of storms and continue to grow heavenward.

God has created a similar network for us—its called the church. The church is meant to be a nurturing support system where Christians are grounded together; where believers help each other to withstand the storms of life and stand in the power of Christ.

Throughout the Bible, when referring to His church, God uses the phrase “one another.” In His Word, our Heavenly Father tells us that we are to love one another, encourage one another, comfort one another, forgive one another, rejoice with one another, and mourn with one another. The Christian community is designed by God to be a support group of sorts where believers rely on one another to get through life's disturbances.

The word support means, to hold up, to keep from losing courage. When we're battered and bruised and finding it difficult to stand, our Father in Heaven lends His loving support, not only through His Word and through our prayers, but through people whom He has strategically placed all around us. Find those people in your life through whom God will work to help hold you up and give you the courage you need to go on. Reach out to them. Draw strength from them so you can stand strong once again. If you've relied on someone in the past only to have your trust broken, you need to look elsewhere for support. Help is always available. Our Heavenly Father will never leave us to deal with our pain all alone.   

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10, NLT)