Within the past few days, two of my friends, both around my age, have had their worlds turned upside down. One received a phone call that her adult son had taken his own life. The other was informed that his grown daughter had been raped by home intruders as the woman's children slept upstairs.

Some might think the appropriate Christian response for a friend's hearing this news would be compassion, sadness, and sympathy. Having been a Christian my entire life, having worked at a Christian counseling agency, having served as a pastor in the Christian church, perhaps such tragedies should readily bring to my mind and mouth hope-filled, spiritual soundbites like:

•  All things work together for good.
  
•  It's all part of God's plan.
  
•  God is good all the time. 

My initial reaction was far from "spiritual." I was angry. In fact, I'm still angry. I am angry at the results of sin. I am angry at the evil that is so prevalent in our world. I am angry that people I care about have to be subjected to such heartrending pain. And my anger can't begin to compare to the anger my friends must feel.

Anger is an unpleasant emotion. We don't like to feel it. We don't like to be around other people who feel it. Yet, it is a common, yet often overlooked component of the grieving process, whether morning the loss of a job, a marriage, an ideal, or someone we loved deeply. 

If we are truly going to help others grieve, we must allow them to feel what they feel, no matter how uncomfortable it makes us. We must help them to release and process their very natural feelings of anger.

Those of us who are Christians, though, often do our hurting friends a disservice by short-circuiting the process. Rather than acknowledging the dark cloud, we point out the silver lining. Rather than meeting people in their depth of their pain we try to pacify them with words of hope that they are not ready to hear. We can't stand to see them in the valley so we try to drag them up to the mountaintop. We quote cheery Bible verses. We tell them, "I'm praying for you." We share stories of others who had the faith to overcame similar situations.

Don't get me wrong, Bible reading, prayer, and faith can bring healing to our souls like nothing else can. But our souls must first be in a position to accept that healing.

I went to the wake of a friend who died unexpectedly while on a business trip. He was a friend of many, as evidenced by the long line of people gathered to pay their respects. When I finally reached his grieving widow, I hugged her, pulled her ear next to my mouth, and whispered words that she later told me were more comforting than anything else she had heard that day. I simply said, "This sucks." 

When weeks later she reflected on those dreadful days immediately after her husband's death, she said, "If I had heard one more person tell me about 'the peace that passes understanding' I would have screamed." She was well aware that Jesus offers such peace. And she did, in fact, experience that peace as time went on. But until she had worked through her anger, peace had no chance.

Do you truly want to help others who are going through traumatic times? Don't deny them the right to be angry. Don't try to diffuse their anger. Don't minimize it or, worse yet, tell them they shouldn't feel that way. Tap into it. Let them sob. Let them scream. Let them curse if they need to. It is only when the cloud of anger dissipates that we can see and feel the rays of peace that will bring healing to our souls. 

I am not much of a dancer. I’m convinced it’s genetic. It's a Dutch thing that goes way back. It has nothing to do with dancing being sinful. It was just too hard to do with wooden shoes. But I am least willing to try. 

A few years ago, my wife and I attended a dance class with some friends of ours. For me, it was the biggest waste of time since attending LeMaze classes before our first child was born. When my wife was in labor, I instinctively began to administer the effleurage massage technique I had practiced on her in class. Through the sweat and screams she gored me with her glare and said something to the effect of, "Stop touching me. I don't ever want you to touch me again." 

She denies saying that. But I know what I heard.

I was hoping for a more positive payoff for my efforts this time around, although we did get a pretty good kid out of the other deal.

For eight weeks, my wife and I took dancing lessons. I must say I held my own on the dance floor. I was able to do all the moves and do them in the right sequence without causing untold embarrassment to myself or the ones who love me. But I didn't learn how to dance.

The reality is, those eight weeks of lessons would have been enough; I could have learned how to dance if I then regularly went dancing. But going clubbing just isn’t a top priority for my wife and me. So any dance moves we may have picked up during those eight weeks were completely gone in two.

Like any other skill, learning how to dance takes discipline. We must not just receive instruction but put it into practice if we're going to be excel at it. 

That holds true for the fine art of loving others as well. 

If there is one thing our Heavenly Father wants His kids to excel at it's loving others. When asked by religious leaders what the greatest commandment was, Jesus, without hesitation, singled out loving as the most important thing Christians can do. And yet Christ-like love is often conspicuously absent in our interaction with others.   

Face it, if we’ve grown up in the church, we’ve received all kinds of instruction as to how we are to love God and others. We know all there is to know about the Bible's teachings on the subject. We may even have some of the love passages memorized.

But if we don't practice loving others and practice it faithfully, all that instruction means nothing.

In 1st Corinthians 13--commonly known as the love chapter--the Apostle Paul says it bluntly. It doesn't matter how eloquently we can speak the Gospel. It doesn't matter how deep our knowledge, our understanding, or even our faith. It doesn't matter how much money we give to the less fortunate. If we don't have love, we are nothing. 

Our Heavenly Father loves us with a love that will not give in, give up, or give out. Every day, we need to practice loving others that same way. Look for someone today to whom you can show genuine Christ-like love. Then look for someone else tomorrow. Then the next day. Who knows? You might get really good at it.

People who are wrestling with their spirituality aren't looking for churches that give them answers. They're looking for churches where they are free to ask questions.

Many people have justified their life choices by using the rationale, "God wants me to be happy." But does He?

In a word, yes. As long as our happiness is not a result of sinful behaviors that we know from His Word would not make Him happy. 

Contrary to the concept many have of God, He is not a dour, fun-deprived deity who is incapable of a good belly laugh. God created grins and giggles. He designed smiles and snickers--of both the chortle and the chocolate variety. 

A sense of humor is one of God's most glittering gifts. I'd love to give one to those who have clearly been deprived, but I've learned the hard way that if people aren't factory-equipped there is little I can do about it.

God is a Father who delights in His children. He enjoys seeing us smile. It warms His heart when His kids relish the life He's given us. 

It was King Solomon (and not the Byrds) who wrote,

       There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
              a time to be born and a time to die,
              a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal,
              a time to tear down and a time to build,
              a time to weep and a time to laugh,
              a time to mourn and a time to dance,
              a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
              a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing (Ecclesiastes 3:1-5, NIV).

Solomon's little song was concluded with the words, there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live (v. 12).

So, yes, God desires us to be happy. But it is even more meaningful to Him that we be joyful.

Happiness and joy are often used interchangeably. But there is a big difference. Joy--God's preferred emotion--goes much deeper.

• Happiness is a feeling. Joy is an attitude.

• Happiness leaves when adversity comes. Joy remains in good times and bad.

• Happiness is based on our circumstances. Joy is based on God's promises.

• Happiness is a result of things going right. Joy is a result of being right with God.

It is joy that keeps us cheerful in those trying times of uprooting and tearing down. It is joy that lifts our spirits when we find ourselves in those difficult times of weeping and mourning. It is joy that enables us to smile, even in times of death.  

Because God is very fond of us He wants us to be happy. Because He wants the very best for us He wants us to be joyful.

I hadn’t seen him since high school. I must admit, the memories dredged from my pool of thought did not inspire me to greet him with warm affection. 

I remembered Ed as a trouble maker. He was big for his age and he used that to his advantage, often pushing late bloomers like me out of his way. Worst of all, he got busted for drugs, an offense made more offensive because we attended a Christian school.

I vaguely remember hearing something about his having family problems. But he didn’t let me or anyone else get close enough to him to find out if it was true. 

And now, here he was, decades later, talking openly about his life-changing encounter with Jesus. It wasn’t just talk. The spiritual change in him was palpable. His whole countenance was changed. Ed was a totally different person.

So stunning was his transformation that I had to ask, “What church did you get plugged into to bring about such a change?”

I will never forget his response. He sneered, reminiscent of the guy I remembered in high school, and said, “I didn’t find Christ in the church. I found Him at A.A.”

I share that story in one of my talks. Church people don’t like it much. But rather than be offended by Ed’s comment, I encourage Christians to be challenged by it.

For those not familiar with A.A., Alcoholics Anonymous is a place where:

• Sinners are safe from judgment, no matter what you’ve done.

• There is no reason to pretend that you have your act together because no one there has their act together.
  
• No one cares how you look or dress or talk or vote--all that matters is that you know that you matter. 
  
• Shame is never used to try to make you conform to a particular standard of behavior.

There are many wounded souls like Ed who would not apply that same definition to today’s church. Many struggling people have turned to the church for acceptance and love, grace and forgiveness, only to leave with an even deeper sense of regret and shame. 

If you asked Christians for the first thought that comes to mind when they hear the word sanctuary, most will make reference to the big room in a church where worship services are held. But there is another definition of the word that we often don’t consider. Sanctuary is also defined as: a safe place; a refuge for the oppressed; a place that provides protection.

Most churches have a sanctuary. But how many churches are a sanctuary? 

For far too many--particularly those who are entangled in sinful behavior--the church is the least safe place for them to be. It is the place where they feel most oppressed. It is the place where they feel least protected.  

In all His encounters with struggling and sinful people, Jesus never once used shame to modify their behavior. Truth is, there was no safer person to be with. Jesus was called Refuge, Fortress, High Tower, Strength and Shield. Jesus met people in the midst of their deepest sin and offered grace, not guilt; serenity, not sermons; healing, not more hurt. Jesus not only took all our sins to the cross to die, but all our shame.

One has to believe that He would want His church looking a lot more like A.A. and a lot less like what it has become for way too many people.