The story is told of a conference speaker who regularly asks his audiences to raise their hands if they thought they could go 24 hours without saying any unkind words about or to another person. He implores them to be honest. Without exception, only a handful of people raise their hands. On several occasions people have actually shouted out, “No!”

Joseph Telushkin, author of Words That Hurt, Words That Heal said, "If you cannot go 24 hours without drinking liquor, you are addicted to alcohol. If you cannot go 24 hours without smoking, you are addicted to nicotine. Similarly, if you cannot go 24 hours without saying unkind words to or about others, then you have lost control of your tongue.”

God says it clearly: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful or building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29, NIV)

We all need the encouragement and support that comes from words that are kind and affirming. Every one of us has that need. But the need is even greater for those who didn't hear such words growing up. 

Kind words build others up. Unkind words tear them down. If you can't say anything nice about someone you're not looking deep enough. Build them up with your words according to their needs. It will benefit them. And it will benefit you. 

(excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word) 

The relationship a child has with their father has a profound impact on the relationship, if any, they have with God. It is normal even for people who are raised in a healthy family system to project significant people in their lives onto others and expect them to behave in similar ways. It is common to project our parents onto teachers, bosses, spouses—even God. In the world of psychology this is known as transference.

It is very typical for children and adults to project their dads onto God:

· Boys whose dads walked out on the family often grow to be men who believe they can’t rely on God. They rationalize, “Why trust Him? He’ll just walk one day, too.”

· Daughters of workaholic dads can become women with an insatiable need to be valued by God. They attribute their father’s voice to God: “Not now. I’m busy.”

· Sons of strict, legalistic, judgmental dads often, in their adult life, view God as someone whose love must be earned. Their life is all about following the rules.

· Girls who were sexually abused by their fathers become, in many cases, women who find they simply cannot have a close relationship with a male God. The word “intimacy” for them has forever been ruined. 

Here is the dilemma: When we have “father issues” and transfer them onto our Heavenly Father we build a wall between us and Him. In doing so, we separate ourselves from the very thing we’re looking for—a growing, trusting, loving, saving relationship with a Father who wants what’s best for His kids.

Sometimes I just need someone to listen. I am often left disappointed. If, indeed, listening is an art, I am convinced it is fast becoming a lost art. But when I am feeling afraid or angry, when I'm doubtful or depressed, when I have so many emotions vying for attention that I don't even know what I feel, what I need the most is for someone to just listen. To simply hear me. That's all I need.

* I don't need to know what you would do if you were me.

* I don't need you to tell me I "shouldn't feel that way."

* I don't need you to invite me to your church or Bible study.

* I don't need you to quote Scripture to me.

* I don't need you to blow me off with an, "I'll pray for you."

* I don't need you to fix my problems.

* I don't need you to judge my actions or question my motives.

* I don't need you to tell me not to be so sensitive.

* I don't need you to remind me that other people are much worse off than I am.

* I don't need you to tell me to "let bygones be bygones," to "pick (my)self up by the bootstraps," or to "just get over it."

I just need someone to listen.

You may not know it, but when you listen--truly listen--to what is on my heart, you give me value. You make me feel that I matter; that I am deserving of your full attention; that I am worthy of your time. When you listen, I not only feel understood, I feel accepted. And then I don't feel so alone.

That's why I love my Jesus so much. He lets me say what's on my mind. He welcomes me to be completely open with Him. I don't have to wonder if He really cares. I don't have to be afraid that He is going to condemn me for feeling what I feel. I don't have to worry that I'm imposing on His time; He gently reminds me that He--quite literally--has all the time in the world for me.

Jesus doesn't tell me I need to be strong, He lends me His strength. He doesn't question the depth of my faith, He is honored that I have enough to keep reaching out to Him. He doesn't quote Scripture verses to me about His love, He embraces me with it.

Whenever I need someone to listen, I can say with the Psalmist, You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed... (Psalm 10:17-18a, NIV)

If only more people would listen like He does...

To have faith is to believe that God wouldn't think of ever leaving us to handle our problems on our own. He couldn't be more clear: "Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5, NIV, emphasis mine). 

Our Heavenly Father has made many promises to His kids. He hasn't broken one yet.

The story is told of an old bloodhound lying on the wooden floor in the corner of a general store, just whimpering up a storm. A customer kept looking at the dog and finally asked the owner, “What is that dog’s problem?”

The owner kept going about his business and calmly replied, "Oh, he’s probably laying on a nail.”

The customer asked the obvious. “Why doesn’t he move?”

The store owner looked up and said, “I guess it don’t hurt bad enough yet.”

We've all encountered people in our lives who remind us of that bloodhound. Some of us are that bloodhound.
  
When we choose not to address our painful past we are choosing to stay stuck there. We are choosing to stay stuck in our pain whenever memories of the past prevent us from enjoying the present. We make the choice to stay stuck in our discomfort whenever someone tells us, "It's time to move on," and we respond with, "No one understands me." We choose to stay stuck in our dysfunction whenever we simply accept pain as our lot in life even though healing from our hurts is readily available.  

Make no mistake about it. Staying stuck is a choice. We can lay there and whimper if we choose. But maybe it's time to move.

We have a Heavenly Father who lovingly asks us to lay our burdens at His feet. Who offers to take our pain upon HImself so we may be done with it once and for all. Who welcomes us to draw close to Him so that we may experience the peace and freedom He meant for His children to have.

We can stay stuck in a painful past or we can move toward healing and hope. The choice is up to us.   

Boys need their daddies. The significance of a father’s love in shaping the lives of his sons is immeasurable. A review of almost 100 studies published between 1949 and 2001 shows that a father’s love is just as important to a child’s development as a mother’s, and sometimes more so.

Research has found that the love (or lack thereof) of a father affects a boy’s behavior, self-esteem, emotional stability, and mental health. While this is also true of a mother’s love, Ronald P. Rohner, Director of the Center for the Study of Parental Acceptance and Rejection at the University of Connecticut, states that in some cases, “The withdrawal of a father's love seems to play a bigger role in kids' problems with personality and psychological adjustment, delinquency, and substance abuse.”

The presence of a father’s love in the lives of their sons boosts their boys' sense of well-being and actually plays a significant role in their boys' emotional and physical health.

For good or bad, we fathers are teaching our sons about what it means to be a man. Spending time with them, being honest with them, giving them constant words of encouragement, and showing love to their mother gives them confidence, teaches them the importance of integrity, shows them how to value themselves and others, and proves to them, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they matter. 

But fathers who don't take their role seriously, often in an effort to appease their guilt, continue to downplay their role in the lives of their children. They excuse their lack of regular involvement in their kids’ lives by reasoning that it’s not the “quantity” of time they spend with their children that’s important, it’s the “quality” of that time. There is an old Greek term that describes that kind of thinking: loadus of crapicus. Boys need their fathers’ love and nothing shows that love more than spending time with them. 

(excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word) 

Our son was two years old when we bought him his first vehicle. The gift was, in part, to soothe his ruffled feathers for our having the audacity to have a second child. Up until this point, he had been the center of attention. Now he would have to share the spotlight—and with a baby girl, no less. So when we brought his sister home from the hospital our son was duly compensated for his pain and suffering with a shiny, new Big Wheel.

One thing about Big Wheels. Even when they’re 20 years old they still have that new Big Wheel smell. Even before we could affix the super cool decals on the frame that would have ensured his popularity among neighborhood two-year-olds our son began begging to take his new ride out for a spin. Since he had never before been allowed down the open sidewalk in front of our house he asked me to accompany him.

He rather enjoyed his newfound freedom. But I couldn’t help noticing that he would only travel a few yards at a time before turning around to make sure I was there. My presence provided the safety and security he needed. He would only proceed once he knew his protector was not far behind.

Sigmond Freud once said, “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” Kids stand a little taller when they know that they have a father who stands behind them. Kids who grew up without experiencing the presence of their earthly fathers in their lives must learn they can stand tall in the presence of their Heavenly Father.

In the very first book of the Bible our Heavenly Father says, I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go (Genesis 28:15, NIV).  He then reiterates I will not leave you. In the Old Testament when the mantle of leadership was passed from Moses to Joshua, God said, No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you (Joshua 1:5, NIV). For emphasis God then added, Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go (v.9).

So much does God want to impress upon us the truth that He is always with us that He instructed that Jesus be called Immanuel. The name Immanuel is a compilation of two Hebrew words: Immanu, meaning “with us,” and El, meaning God. Our Heavenly Father is a “with us” God.

Our Father in Heaven is with us wherever we go. He is behind us to encourage us. He is beside us to befriend us. He is above us to watch over us. He is beneath us to lift us up. He is within us to give us courage. He is before us to show us the way.

To have faith is to trust God, even when we can't for the life of us understand Him.

While painful memories may instantly bring us back to our childhood, we don't have to live there. Those who choose to dwell in the past--and make no mistake about it, it is a choice--forgo fresh, exciting episodes of life for tired and tedious reruns. Author Eugene O-Neill describes the lives of those who can't get past their past: “There is no present or future, only the past, happening over and over again, now.” This is clearly not how our Heavenly Father wants His kids to live. 

When I click the GUIDE button on my TV remote, it lists the shows that are currently on and the ones scheduled to come on after. It will not allow me to go back and view the names of programs that have already aired. If it did, I wonder how many of us, instead of enjoying shows that are presently on or excitedly awaiting programs that will be coming on, would scroll backwards and lament all we missed out on. 

It is difficult to move forward if we are continually looking backward. Life is an adventure meant to be enjoyed. Jesus once said that He came into the world so that God's children "may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10, NIV)." We cannot experience the fullness of life if we are firmly anchored in the past. 

To live a fulfilling life we must visit the past only long enough to find reconciliation. Once we've made peace with our past--with others, with God, and with ourselves--it is time to move on. 

Fulfillment is found when we walk daily with God. We live life to the full when we experience His presence in our present. And knowing that He is Father who loves us and truly wants what is best for us, we can then look to the future with irrepressible hope and expectation.  

When we bear the weight of life’s heavy load and then hear from others--or from our inner voice--that "God will never give us more than we can handle," it is logical to conclude that either, A.) we must be weaker than everyone else, B.) we must have done something really bad to void God’s divine warranty, or C.) God has lied to us.

Truth is, God never promised that He wouldn't give us more than we can handle. If we could handle our own problems we wouldn't need Him. It is precisely when we are so burdened that we feel completely helpless that God has us right where He wants us. Our Heavenly Father's desire for His kids is not that we live problem-free lives. Rather, He longs for His children to learn to depend on Him in times of trouble and not our own feeble efforts. That we cling to Him and His Word and not to our own reason and intellect. That we place our trust fully in Him and not in our strength and understanding. That we, as 12-steppers would say, "turn our will and our lives over to the care of God." 

The harsh reality is, the beginning of surrender is most often found at the end of our rope. But the benefits of surrendering to a loving Heavenly Father are rest, contentment, peace, and a strengthened faith that knows that, with the Father's help, we can handle anything that comes our way.