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The Father Void: Where to Fill the Hole in Your Soul

10/4/2016

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Every one of us has fears. Some of us are just afraid to admit it. It could be a physical fear, like the fear of heights, snakes, or spiders. It could be a psychological fear, like the fear of failure, rejection, or intimacy. But, if we're honest, we all encounter things in our lives that cause our muscles to tense and our pulse to go into overdrive. 

Fears can induce all kinds of uncomfortable responses--physical, psychological, mental, and emotional. But there is one fear in particular that has a devastating effect on us spiritually. It is a fear that can scar our very souls. I'm speaking of the fear of abandonment.
 
God has created us as relational beings. Each of us has an innate desire to belong, particularly to the ones who gave us life. From the moment we take our first breath, our spirits begin aching for a parental connection.  And without minimizing the effect of a mother on the life of a child, there is a void in our souls that only a father can fill.

That is especially problematic in our culture today where fatherlessness has reached epidemic proportions. A recent US Census Bureau report paints the grim picture: Over one-third (33.5 percent) of children in America are, for various reason, living absent from their biological father. In the African American community, 67 percent of children live in fatherless homes. 

But whether a father’s absence is due to death, divorce, or disassociation, the result is always the same—children who have an empty space in their lives where a father's love is supposed to be.

Magnifying the problem even more is the fact that death, divorce, and desertion are not the only ways fathers abandon their children. Many children have been abandoned by fathers who are physically present in the home but who are absent emotionally. Children have been abandoned by dads who may be in the next room, but who drink too much, who work too much, or who simply have no clue how to be a dad. Sometimes a dad's occupation takes him away from his kids. Sometimes his preoccupation does.

These kids aren’t included in the 33.5 percent of those living without their biological father. But their reality is the same. They, too, need the love and affection of a dad.

The harsh reality is, some of us will never experience a close relationship with our earthly fathers. But that does not mean our Father void can never be filled. All of us can experience in our lives the active and loving presence of our Father in Heaven. Believing and experiencing the presence of a Heavenly Father can heal our father wound--if we open ourselves to Him.  

Psalm 103 tells us that The LORD is like a father to his children (Psalm 103:13, NLT). Granted, to those whose fathers have left them those words are about as uplifting as wearing floaties in a tsunami. But David, the author of that particular psalm, wrote those words in a “best case scenario” context. The ideal father, David says, is filled with “tenderness and compassion” for his children.

In Psalm 27 David paints a vivid picture of the attributes of our Heavenly Father. Throughout this chapter he acknowledges God as our Light, our Salvation, our Fortress, our Protector, and our Helper. These names remind us that we need never feel afraid when our Heavenly Father is around. But in verse 10 he speaks directly to those who are prone to such fears because an absent earthly father. He writes, Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close (NLT). It’s a promise from a Father who has never broken one yet: No matter what your experience with your earthly father, I will hold you close.

Don't continue to run on empty because of father neglect. Stop living with the fear of abandonment because you were deprived by your dad. You have a Father who wants nothing more than to have a loving and close with His kids. He longs to fill the hole in your soul with His abiding presence, His soothing peace, and His limitless love. 
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Finding the Father We're Looking For

6/15/2016

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Father. For some that is a word that conjures up feelings of warmth, security, and pride. For all too many others it is a word that triggers pain, anger, and shame.

It is not an overstatement to say that the relationship we have or had with our fathers has a profound effect on every relationship we will ever have. And our father-child relationship plays a crucial role in shaping the relationship we have with God.

Whether we realize it or not, there are parallels between our "dad experience" and our "God experience." If we have or had a loving, encouraging relationship with our earthly father it is common to view our Heavenly Father much the same way.

Conversely, it is true that:
  • Children who grew up with angry, intolerant fathers are more inclined to live in fear of God.
  • Children whose dads abandoned them (physically or emotionally) often keep God at arm's length for fear that one day He may walk, too.
  • Children of workaholic dads who wonder how much they really matter to him are more likely to grow up believing that they aren't a top priority to God, either.
  • Children of sexually abusive fathers often want nothing to do God, just because He is a "father ".

The unfortunate consequence of seeing God through the lens of our dad is that we distance ourselves from the only One who can provide the love, acceptance, and healing we desperately need.

Whether we know it or not, we have a Father who thinks the world of us.

     ...Who delights in spending time with us.

     ...Who smiles at the thought of us

     ...Who picks us up when we fall down.

     ...Who forgives us when we mess up.

     ...Who wouldn't think of leaving us.

     ...Who offers us the very things we're looking for.

Some of us know the pain of broken trust as a result of fathers not living up to their promises. But God is a Father who always keeps His word. He hasn't broken a promise yet. One of His many promises to us, found in Psalm 27:10, is this: Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.

If you are feeling distant from God, it's not because He moved. He is at your side, at this very moment, holding you close. His deepest desire is to have a close, intimate relationship with you. Allow yourself to open up to Him. Healing for father wounds can only be found in one place--in the arms of the Heavenly Father.
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A Father Who Will Never Leave

2/11/2016

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(excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word)

Sometimes dads abandon their kids. Some of them are not there, physically or emotionally, to provide protection for their children. But our Heavenly Father is there. He offers us the security of knowing that He is always aware of our surroundings and offers us refuge under His loving wings. Even when floods and fires come—and they will come—we have a Father who is so committed to our safety that He secured it with the blood of His Son, Jesus. God, our Protector, our Refuge, our Shield, our Rock, our Strength, our Hiding Place, our Shepherd offers us what no other father can: eternal security.
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The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” (Psalm 91:14-16, NLT)
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Unchanging

6/2/2014

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Of all of God’s attributes, perhaps the greatest--and, to me, the most comforting--is the fact that He never changes. Living in a world of constant change makes it difficult for us to wrap our brains around the fact that God never changes. But God is immutable, which means that He is not only unchanging, He is unchangeable.

How does understanding that characteristic of our Heavenly Father give us comfort? Because we can depend on someone who never changes. We can trust someone who is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. We can believe with all our hearts in someone who will never go back on his word.

God tells us over and over again in His Word that He loves His children. That His love is everlasting. That nothing can separate us from it. He not only will not stop loving us, He can not stop loving us.  

In a world of instability--where love can be pulled out from under us at any time and for any reason, where people close to us cannot be trusted, where sometimes even our own fathers forsake us--it's reassuring to know that our Heavenly Father is always the same. He loves us and nothing will ever change that.

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Under His Wings

4/3/2014

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(excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word)

The Bible illustrates our Heavenly Father’s protection over His children by painting a picture of a mother hen. In Psalm 91 we read, He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge (v. 4, NIV).

I read recently of an interesting discovery in the wake of a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park. While in the glades assessing the damage of the blaze, a forest ranger happened upon a bird that had perished in the fire but was found still standing beneath a tree. The ranger was heartsick with the morbid discovery. He took a stick and knocked the bird over. When he did, three tiny chicks hopped out from under their mother’s wings. The mother’s instincts had led her to guide the chicks to the ground as the lethal smoke rose upward. Rather than flying to safety, the mother bird chose to sacrifice her life so that her babies could live.

Sometimes dads abandon their kids. Some fathers are not present, physically or emotionally, to provide protection for their children. But our Heavenly Father is present. He offers us the security of knowing that He is always aware of our surroundings and offers us refuge under His loving wings. Even when floods and fires come—and they will come—we have a Father who is so committed to our safety that He secured it with the blood of His Son, Jesus. God, our Protector, our Refuge, our Shield, our Rock, our Strength, our Hiding Place, our Shepherd offers us what no other father can: eternal security.

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation” (Psalm 91:14-16, NLT).

In the midst of the most unstable father-child relationships we are assured that we have a Heavenly Father who knows us, who loves us, who protects us. Let these words of Jesus Himself give you comfort: My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and He is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand (John 10:27-29, NLT).


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Dads who leave

3/13/2014

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(Excerpt from my book, When Father is a Bad Word ) 

Without minimizing the pain a child experiences as the result of a father’s death, kids whose fathers walk out on their families often suffer greater emotional distress than kids whose fathers die. Children whose fathers desert the family must live every day with the knowledge that their dads have chosen to leave them. 

It is not an overstatement to say that this thought has the potential to infiltrate every relationship the child will ever have. It is especially poisonous—and sometimes fatal—to their relationship with their Heavenly Father.

Another factor that rachets up the emotional distress level in the lives of children whose fathers have bailed on their families is that it is significantly more difficult for those left behind to achieve closure. There is a finality in death that cannot be realized in the case of desertion. I witnessed this in living color in the life of my friend, Don.

Don was wounded enough when his father, without warning and after 30 years of marriage to his mother, up and left the family. But Don’s dad didn’t leave completely. He stayed within firing range. Months after the divorce he continued to circle around the family taking pot shots at his ex-wife and kids. The bullets of blame found their mark. 

Don tried to fend off the barrage, but his father just kept firing. Don’s dad  would call him at all hours of the day or drop in on him at work to complain about how hard his life was, how Don’s mother was nothing but a witch with a capital “B”, and how Don never appreciated all that he did for him and the family.

His father would then lay low for awhile giving Don the false hope that the battle was over. But just when Don’s wounds began to scab over his father would come out of the brush and rip them off with a new assault of accusations.

For a long time Don just kept his mouth shut and suppressed the hurt, trying to convince himself that even a shaming relationship with his father was better than none at all. But one day he had simply had enough. After being interrupted at work for the umpteenth time by a phone call from his father with allegations so familiar he knew them better than the Pledge of Allegiance, Don was pushed beyond his breaking point. In exasperation he countered with a response that resonates well with anyone who has been engaged in a similar manner with an estranged father.

When his father paused briefly to reload Don blurted, “You know something, Dad? Sometimes I wish you were dead. Then I could be done with you.”

Don’s response to his father provided me with clarity concerning a comment I heard from a woman in a support group I once facilitated. She said, “Divorce is like a death with no body.” 

There is a closure that comes from death that cannot be attained in the case of divorce or desertion. Grieving the loss of a father who died is different than grieving the loss of a father who left by choice, especially when he continually pops up, doing and saying stupid and hurtful things. Whether a father is taken away or walks away, a dad’s abandonment needs to be grieved. 


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Safe

1/8/2014

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(excerpt from When Father is a Bad Word)

Sometimes dads abandon their kids. Some of them are not there, physically or emotionally, to provide protection for their children. But our Heavenly Father is there. He offers us the security of knowing that He is always aware of our surroundings and offers us refuge under His loving wings. Even when floods and fires come—and they will come—we have a Father who is so committed to our safety that He secured it with the blood of His Son, Jesus. God, our Protector, our Refuge, our Shield, our Rock, our Strength, our Hiding Place, our Shepherd offers us what no other father can: eternal security.

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” (Psalm 91:14-16, NLT)


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