A.: Forever. We never "get over" losing someone we loved. With God's help, we can begin to heal over time. But we are never the same. Nor should we be the same when we lose someone who mattered deeply. To move forward in the process we must give ourselves some grace. We must let the tears flow. And we must understand that our Heavenly Father grieves with us. Death was never a part of His plan.
Q.: How long does the grieving process last?
A.: Forever. We never "get over" losing someone we loved. With God's help, we can begin to heal over time. But we are never the same. Nor should we be the same when we lose someone who mattered deeply. To move forward in the process we must give ourselves some grace. We must let the tears flow. And we must understand that our Heavenly Father grieves with us. Death was never a part of His plan.
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This is a cable TV interview I did recently for Crossroad Bible Institute, a prison ministry based in Grand Rapids, MI. My life was affected by my earthly father's alcoholism. But my life was transformed by my Heavenly Father's redeeming grace.
We all have our favorite slogans, Scripture verses, even song lyrics that encapsulate our core beliefs. They become our "words to live by"; a mantra we find ourselves repeating continually, either in our heads or out loud. We recite our phrase of choice whenever challenges come our way. Some folks are so committed to their slogan that they have it tattooed on their person; their bodies becoming living, moving billboards promoting their particular proverb for all to see. Some of the more inspirational inscriptions on people's lives:
When I was younger, my personal slogan was not quite so inspirational. Disturbing might be a more fitting adjective. You see, for much of my life, my motto was: If you always expect the worst, you'll never be disappointed. Not exactly a phrase you want under your name in the school yearbook. For me, having grown up in an alcoholic home where my main objective was to simply get through each day with some semblance of sanity, those words served as a banner of protection. They prevented me from being hurt even more. They guarded me from being let down even further. They insulated me from experiencing even deeper dejection. My life's slogan, as cynical as it sounds, actually proved to be helpful to me as a child. It shielded me from greater hurt and frustration. But when, as a grownup, I defaulted to my childhood motto, I found that the words that once were strangely beneficial were now causing untold harm. It took a lot of soul-searching to recognize it, but those ten words had sucked joy out of my life. They put a damper on my spirit. They drained me of hope. My introspection led me to the discovery that when one always expects the worst it's impossible to truly enjoy life. We cannot relish the good when we're convinced that bad is lurking around the corner. We can't appreciate times of blessing when we've come to believe that we're cursed. I came to the realization that my mantra was incompatible with the message of Scripture. The Bible speaks of a God in whom we can have great expectations. In His Word, we discover a Heavenly Father who wants His kids to not just expect joy, but the fullness of joy; not just peace, but peace that surpasses all comprehension; not just life, but the abundance of life. The Greek word for abundance that Jesus used means, overflowing; considerably more than one could expect or anticipate. While believers are promised this kind of life, that is not to say that difficulties and heartaches won't come our way. But when we come to expect adversity, we will find that our expectation is often realized; it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we look for the bad in any and every situation we will find it. And we will miss out on the joy, peace, and abundance of life that God wants us to have. I have found that waiting on God is far more preferable than waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are still times when my old way of thinking kicks in. That not only hurts me, it hurts the God who yearns for me to put my hope in Him at all times, in all situations. In the book of Romans, Paul offers this prayer for me and believers of all generations: I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Rom. 15:13, NLT) I now have a new life's motto: If you always expect the best, you will bring honor to God. I am not much of a dancer. I’m convinced it’s genetic. It's a Dutch thing that goes way back. It has nothing to do with dancing being sinful. It was just too hard to do with wooden shoes. But I am least willing to try. A few years ago, my wife and I attended a dance class with some friends of ours. For me, it was the biggest waste of time since attending LeMaze classes before our first child was born. When my wife was in labor, I instinctively began to administer the effleurage massage technique I had practiced on her in class. Through the sweat and screams she gored me with her glare and said something to the effect of, "Stop touching me. I don't ever want you to touch me again." She denies saying that. But I know what I heard. I was hoping for a more positive payoff for my efforts this time around, although we did get a pretty good kid out of the other deal. For eight weeks, my wife and I took dancing lessons. I must say I held my own on the dance floor. I was able to do all the moves and do them in the right sequence without causing untold embarrassment to myself or the ones who love me. But I didn't learn how to dance. The reality is, those eight weeks of lessons would have been enough; I could have learned how to dance if I then regularly went dancing. But going clubbing just isn’t a top priority for my wife and me. So any dance moves we may have picked up during those eight weeks were completely gone in two. Like any other skill, learning how to dance takes discipline. We must not just receive instruction but put it into practice if we're going to be excel at it. That holds true for the fine art of loving others as well. If there is one thing our Heavenly Father wants His kids to excel at it's loving others. When asked by religious leaders what the greatest commandment was, Jesus, without hesitation, singled out loving as the most important thing Christians can do. And yet Christ-like love is often conspicuously absent in our interaction with others. Face it, if we’ve grown up in the church, we’ve received all kinds of instruction as to how we are to love God and others. We know all there is to know about the Bible's teachings on the subject. We may even have some of the love passages memorized. But if we don't practice loving others and practice it faithfully, all that instruction means nothing. In 1st Corinthians 13--commonly known as the love chapter--the Apostle Paul says it bluntly. It doesn't matter how eloquently we can speak the Gospel. It doesn't matter how deep our knowledge, our understanding, or even our faith. It doesn't matter how much money we give to the less fortunate. If we don't have love, we are nothing. Our Heavenly Father loves us with a love that will not give in, give up, or give out. Every day, we need to practice loving others that same way. Look for someone today to whom you can show genuine Christ-like love. Then look for someone else tomorrow. Then the next day. Who knows? You might get really good at it. Many people have justified their life choices by using the rationale, "God wants me to be happy." But does He? In a word, yes. As long as our happiness is not a result of sinful behaviors that we know from His Word would not make Him happy. Contrary to the concept many have of God, He is not a dour, fun-deprived deity who is incapable of a good belly laugh. God created grins and giggles. He designed smiles and snickers--of both the chortle and the chocolate variety. A sense of humor is one of God's most glittering gifts. I'd love to give one to those who have clearly been deprived, but I've learned the hard way that if people aren't factory-equipped there is little I can do about it. God is a Father who delights in His children. He enjoys seeing us smile. It warms His heart when His kids relish the life He's given us. It was King Solomon (and not the Byrds) who wrote, There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing (Ecclesiastes 3:1-5, NIV). Solomon's little song was concluded with the words, there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live (v. 12). So, yes, God desires us to be happy. But it is even more meaningful to Him that we be joyful. Happiness and joy are often used interchangeably. But there is a big difference. Joy--God's preferred emotion--goes much deeper.
It is joy that keeps us cheerful in those trying times of uprooting and tearing down. It is joy that lifts our spirits when we find ourselves in those difficult times of weeping and mourning. It is joy that enables us to smile, even in times of death. Because God is very fond of us He wants us to be happy. Because He wants the very best for us He wants us to be joyful. I will never forget his words. I had met with him for an hour a week over the course of a couple months. I’m not sure what he was writing on his note pad but, for as much as I was beating myself up, I’m sure the word masochist was on there somewhere. I had so many emotions vying for attention that I couldn’t readily identify any of them. But it was as plain as day to the counselor what I was dealing with—or, more accurately, not dealing with. It wasn’t just that I was disheartened by a pervading sense of shame. To paraphrase an old country song, shame done tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat. I felt as if I didn’t matter to anyone—God included. Hard as I tried, I just couldn’t measure up. If I wasn’t good enough to a father who was under the influence of alcohol much of my childhood, I certainly couldn’t be good enough to a perfect, all-seeing, all-knowing Heavenly Father. My answer was to try harder. To pray more. To read the Bible more. To go to church more. The result was more failure. More anxiety. More shame. Once I completed my self-portrait in the counselor’s office, he told me he had an idea of what I needed to do. Being a “doer” this was music to my ears. Did he want me to read a book on how to please God? Attend a “Ten Things To Do To Make God Love You” Conference? Memorize a list of Scripture passages that outline God’s expectations of His children? I must admit I was taken aback by his suggestion. He simply said, “Go away and wallow in God’s grace.” Huh? He explained, “You already know all there is to know about God’s grace. You need to experience it. So go away for at least a week to a place where you can spend time with Him. I don’t want you watching TV. I don’t want you reading the newspaper. I want you to leave all your self-help books and tapes at home. In fact, leave your Bible at home. I just want you to wallow in the Father’s grace.” The word wallow to me had negative connotations. It immediately brought two things to mind: the phrase, “wallow in self-pity,” and the image of a pig sprawled out in the mud, neither of which I thought would prove particularly helpful. But the dictionary definition of the word wallow is: to spend time experiencing or enjoying something without making any effort to change your situation, feelings, etc. In other words, wallowing was about being, not doing. I followed my counselor’s advice. (I told you I'm a doer.) I went away and wallowed. And wallowed. And wallowed some more. Without making an effort to change, I was forever changed. For the first time in my life, I stopped trying to prove that I had worth. I stopped doing and allowed myself to simply be. After a lifetime of trying to find out more about God, I finally found God. That is the week I discovered a Father who values me, not for what I do, but for who I am. A Father whose love for me is not based on a performance chart. A Father who assured me--and continues to assure me every day--that I matter deeply. There are three things I am most thankful for on Father's Day: 1. I'm thankful for the gift of sobriety. A holiday that for years brought ambivalence and anxiety became a day of genuine celebration when God graciously delivered my dad from alcoholism when I was in my 20's. I was blessed to have a restored relationship with my father before he passed away. I was granted the opportunity to get to know him for who he really was, apart from alcohol. While I can never fully erase the painful memories, my first thoughts now of my father are of his kindness, compassion, and gentleness. I am especially grateful because so many stories like mine do not have a happy ending. 2. I'm thankful for the privilege of being a father. I know I've made my share of mistakes. There have been many times when I wished I could have a "do over." I've had to learn (and am still learning) what it means to be a father as I've gone along. But, despite my failures and inadequacies, I have three great kids who make me proud. They may question why I've reacted in situations that merely caused for a response, but I trust they will never question that I love them with every ounce of my being. 3. I'm thankful for the revelation that God is my Father. The Bible clearly portrays God as a father. I've known God as our Father from the time I was a kid. I've called Him Father ever since I began to pray. But it's only been recently that I've discovered Him as my Father. As I sought healing for the father wounds inflicted in childhood, yet still causing hurt in my adult life, He tenderly took me up into His lap and helped me to experience in my soul the biblical truths I knew in my head:
So happy Father's Day to me. And to my two fathers in heaven. |
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